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Want To Have A Lot Of Sex? Get Good At Being Rejected

If you can't accept rejection then non-monogamy is probably not for you.

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My wife and I received a request for an MFM threesome via a kink site that we post content to. The dude looked good: fit, black, a big cock. While my wife isn’t necessarily a big cock connoisseur, she does enjoy them — honestly, I’m the one who’s more into her being fucked by them. I was ready to say fuck yeah, but when I checked the bio on his profile I found this:

“I can’t handle rejection. I decided some time ago that I was done with rejection and that I’d never leave my comfort zone to initiate a conversation or attempt romance with any woman that I’m attracted to if there was any chance of hearing the word “no” or similar phrases. Put simply I can’t take being rejected and I won’t put myself in that position.”

We didn’t want to put ourselves in that situation. If we meet this guy for a drink and things don’t click we wouldn’t want the additional pressure to go through with the next steps because we don’t want to give him something he can’t handle. Selflessness has no place in the slut life — if you don’t feel comfortable saying no to someone then you shouldn’t put yourself in a situation where you might have to.

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Partaking in kink without being able to accept rejection is like trying to be a running back who cant’t accept being tackled. It’s just a part of the game — if you don’t like it, don’t play.

My wife and I rack up what could be considered multitudes of partners. Each Saturday night we go out and have sex with 2, 3, 4, 5, or sometimes even more people. During the week, my wife usually goes out for one fuck date and I either go on a date myself or a gangbang.

This is to say, we fuck a lot.

But we also get rejected a lot.

On any given night, we might be rejected around once or twice. We say something like, “We think you’re pretty hot, by any chance would you like to play with us?” and they may say something like, “Not right now” or “This is our first time and we’re just watching” or …

And you know what, it’s not a big deal. We say “that’s cool,” and move on to the next couple / solo dude. Sometimes the rejections are funny —we laugh them off and shrug; sometimes we don’t even think about them. We embrace our yesses and we embrace our nos. We know that kink is about what what you’re feeling in the moment, and other people’s feelings, wants, desires has no place in your decision making process. Kink is something that you do with other people, but it’s inherently selfish — you go out to get what you want, and sometimes saying no is a fundamental part of getting it.

However, we also understand that we generally don’t know the people we approach and have no idea what their situation is like, what their intentions are, what their insecurities are, how they’re feeling in any particular moment … We can’t know … and we don’t really need to.

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But what we do know is that a rejection is often more opaque than it seems.

While a “no” may very well be because a person is not into you, it may also be because they have something else going on or have some kind of dynamic that simply doesn’t allow for spontaneous group play with complete strangers. Or if it’s a couple maybe they need time to talk about it first. Or maybe they’re just there to watch. It could be just about anything, and trying to decode the reasons why based on the amount of information you have is to wrap your mind up in a needless tangle that would more than likely produce an erroneous result if allowed to continue.

This is something my wife had to learn the hard way. She’s a little different than me in this regard and doesn’t take rejection very well in all aspects of life, and this only intensified when it came to kink — especially at play parties. In the beginning she would never dare make a move, and would often get tied up with trepidation if I did — and if I didn’t return successful it was almost enough to blow up a night. She would immediately jump to the conclusion that it was because she was unattractive, etc. She instead preferred to sit back and let suitors come to us (and they often would).

But I was never too comfortable with this passive approach. I tend to be an initiator. I also believe that it’s almost polite in the context of a sex party to be transparent about how you feel about the people around you. It’s normal to feel awkward initiating sex, and having people in the room who cut through these barriers is sort of a service to pave the way for a fun night for everyone. I like to tell the people who we like that we’re available and then leave it up to them to decide if they want to take things further.

This difference in approach between my wife and I eventually came to a breaking point at a party at one of our favorite clubs. We were talking with a couple in the hang out area and it seemed as if we’d be going into the play area together. But when the time came they ended up slipping away, which left my wife feel overtly rejected for the rest of the night.

But when we were on our way out we passed by the couple and they expressed disappointment that we were leaving and said they wanted to play with us … and a couple days later texted to reemphasize this.

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This rattled my wife’s thinking. She was so positive that they didn’t like us — that they didn’t like her — that when she realized this wasn’t the case it opened up an entirely new way of thinking. Maybe it wasn’t us, maybe it was them?

As time went on we got to know this couple better and realized that they have some kind of confusing dynamic — they often go to play parties with the intent to have sex, they even go as far as to set things up with other couples, but rarely ever actually go through with it. Shrug. It’s just they way they do it.

After that, my wife and I did a quick review of all the times we’ve rejected other people or cancelled dates … and they was hardly a single time that we did so because we found the people unattractive. Usually, there was just something else going on.

In the ENM life trying to decode others is a fool’s endeavor. You just have to put your cards face up on the table and take whatever comes. Sometimes your hand will win … sometimes it won’t.

The game of the ten nos

There is a street photography exercise that I feel can be applied to the slut life, especially in the context of a sex party. It’s called the game of ten nos.

The object of this game is to become more comfortable taking pictures of strangers, and the way to play is to go out in the street with your camera and just start asking random people if you could photograph them. However, the intent is not to get permission but to get rejected — each time someone says no you get a point, and when you get to ten you’ve won. Eventually, you get used to being rejected — you experience the different ways that people do it and you emotionally train yourself to deal with it with class. By the end of the game that fear and trepidation that you set out with begins to diminish, which makes you more confident with your approaches … and ultimately increases the likelihood of success.

When applied to the sex party, simply replace the request to photograph with the request for sex, but the object of the game remains the same. Experiment with different approaches, different lines, different conversation starters; shoot out of your league and see what happens. After all, you’re just playing a game.

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Ender Wilder
Ender Wilderhttps://swingingsolution.com
Ender Wilder is a former big media journalist and author who escaped from that world to be able to write about anything he wants. He has been actively living the swinging life with his wife for many years, and is available to coach those who are just getting into the lifestyle or have hit some bumps along the road.

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