I received this message on Fetlife this morning:
“Hope you both are doing well. Would you be open to being friends and allowing your beautiful wife to have herself a long distance Dom that will include hot adventures and some spicy stuff for her or both of you.”
It was the kind of message that anyone with or connected to a person with a vagina receives receives dozens of every day. There was nothing that stood out about it — no interesting details about the dude, no probing questions, no nothing. The long distance and dom things were instant nos for us though — we have no interest in putting time into texting people we’ll probably never meet and “doms” are not what we’re looking for — especially as most are just dudes who think buying lots of sex toys will get them laid.
However, out of curiosity I checked out his profile. He had two photos: one of his shirtless midsection clad in sweatpants and one of his collection of sex toys. The sweatpant pic didn’t even boast the benefit of an outline of a massive cock or ripped abs. There were no additional photos of him actually using his gear, no face pics, no evidence of interaction with previous women, not even any nudes. His location was set to Antartica, which is what people on Fet do when they want to conceal their real location. The about me part of his profile simply said, “Dom into bringing back the real kinky lifestyle love to bring a smile to my subs face I do couples and ladies loads of attention tasks and loads more fun it’s not only about kink it’s about the connection.”
The lack of punctuation or proper grammar was perhaps the only thing that stood out here. The guy may no effort to communicate who he is or provide any hooks or anything to attract interest. Basically, his profile said little more than “run of the mill male.”
Even if I was going to mention him to my wife what could I even fucking say? “Hey babe, there’s this guy from somewhere who’s interested in you on Fet. He has a really nice pair of black sweatpants.”
The Swinging Solution is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
I responded politely: “Thanks for getting in touch but LDR and doms are not things she’s looking for.”
I thought that would do it. Nope. He wrote back right away:
“Ouch love to talk deeper i am sure you both would be open to that”
This irritated me a little. First, acting like I hurt his feelings for saying we weren’t into what he was proposing — rejection is part of this game, and if you can’t accept it you probably shouldn’t be playing — and then just expecting us to want to spend our time texting with him.
I again responded that we weren’t interested and he seems to have given up.
However, I kept thinking about this, not because it stood out in any way but because of how normal and typical it all was. 10% of men get 90% of the women on dating apps. While part of this is due to things that are not immediately or even possible to change — such as favorable genetics, wealth, and level of fitness — another part is due simply to how dudes present themselves.
As I scroll through the profiles on swinger’s apps or look over my wife’s shoulder while she’s hunting (or, more accurately, being hunted by) dudes one thing stands out: 90% of dudes don’t stand out at all. They have the same dumb selfie headshot, a quirky photo (maybe even with a tongue sticking out?), a dog photo, a shot of them in business attire, a beach vacation pic, and a sporty shot. It’s like they’ve taken the personas of the Spice Girls and applied them to dating app pics.
Before I go any further I should probably point out the obvious: the dating app game is very different for men than women. A woman can have a blank profile and collect thousands of likes, as the strategy for most men is to just throw right swipes at the wall and see what sticks. Women tend to be the discerning sex. This is something that is represented all across the nature and is the reason why male chickens have a colorful plume and male lions have gorgeous manes and male ibexes have impressively massive horns. Males of pretty much any species need to be the ones that have to work to attract mates because males, to put it simply, are programed to fuck anything.
So how do you stand out?
It’s simple: stand out by showing who and what you are to the extreme.
In the world of online dating, if you try to appeal to everybody you appeal to nobody. Dating is ultimately a game of triage, and sifting out the chaff as fast as possible is an essential part of the game. If you don’t have big ass peacock feathers you’re just going to be weeded out without a second glance. The key is to provoke a reaction — to be a “type.”
It may sound counterintuitive but it’s my goal on the dating apps to immediately repel 95% of the women who look at my profile. I want them to look at me and say “Eww” and move on to the next dude. I’m comfortable with this because I know that I am a “type” and that the remaining 5% will be into that type.
It’s better to be somebody’s syrup than everybody’s sap.
This is how I show my type:
I’m 80% covered in tattoos.
I have a muscular physique.
I’m over 7” in girth.
I have a shaved head and a mid-length black beard.
I’m a NFL team’s season ticket holder.
I spent 20 years perpetually traveling the world.
I work in a creative profession.
I have a wife that I’m very actively non-monogamous with.
I like sex clubs, swinger’s resorts, and orgies.
All of this is very polarizing information — some like it, many don’t — and I try to include, or at least allude, to most of it in my dating profiles.
I know that 95% of women are going to look at me and immediately be like no fucking way. Nope. Swiping left on this dude. While 5% are going to be like that’s exactly what I want.
How do you do this?
Own it, be what you are, and show it to the point that you stand out from the herd. Chances are there is someone out there who is into it.
You want to either be a hell no or a fuck yeah.