As far as I am concerned, a good sex party is the absolute epitome of excitement. You’re all dressed up, meeting new people, and strategizing with your partner to arrange thrilling, intimate experiences that you will always remember.
Good sex clubs and well-organized parties are generally relatively safe spaces to let yourself go and indulge your hidden desires, kinks, or fantasies. I strongly feel that the excitement to risk ratio actually pales in comparison to other physical hobbies, such as mountaineering, skiing, or even international travel.
However, just because you are in a well-vetted community that highly values consent and has an array of safety protocols in place, consent violations and miscommunications unfortunately can — and do — occasionally happen. Even in the best erotic communities creepers can sometimes slip through the cracks, intentions can me misunderstood or miscommunicated, and unexpected things can happen which could potentially lead to a compromising situation. There is only so much that a venue can do to ensure that their space is safe. The rest is up to us.
The following is a list of things that you can do to keep yourself and those around you safe at sex clubs and parties.
Choose your party wisely
Sex clubs and parties are extremely popular now and their quality and level of safety vary greatly from club to club. Some are well run and do a lot to cultivate a membership that understands the ethics and guidelines of the community, while there are others that seem to only care about price of admission that you pay at the door.
There are two kinds of clubs in the swinging world:
Those that only accepted vetted and approved members and those that just about let anyone walk in off the street who has enough money for a ticket.
Unless you’re looking for an unpredictable, ultra sketchy experience full of solo dudes who don’t understand consent protocols or are in a location where there isn’t another option, just avoid the walk-in style clubs. Seriously.
While it may sometimes seem annoying or like overkill, the more membership hoops a sex club has you jump through to get accepted, the better. You want a club that requires detailed responses to essay questions like “What does consent mean to you?”, links to your social media profiles, a recommendation from an existing member, etc … because if they’re doing a deep evaluation of you, they are doing one of everyone else.
One of the biggest factors as to what makes a sex party enjoyable or not is the other people who are there, and requiring memberships and vetting applicants is a big first step to cultivating a community that you actually want to be a part of.
Go with a partner / friend
For some people, being a part of the sex-positive / swing / kink community is a big secret that they don’t want anyone else in their lives to know about. While for others, going alone and sexually engaging with a room full of strangers is part of the excitement.
So I don’t want to discourage people from going to sex parties alone. However, going with someone who can watch out for you, that you can check in with, or who could potentially spare you from making a poor choice is a major step towards staying safe and having an experience that you don’t regret.
I usually go to parties with my wife, and we navigate the social interactions and organize our scenes as a team. This isn’t only a safety thing but we feel that having someone to experience this with also adds to the fun.
If you don’t have or want a regular partner, finding a sex club friend — either intimate or platonic — could be clutch. There are plenty of people on Feeld who would love to have a friend to go to clubs and parties with. Or check out some vanilla events at clubs and try to make connections there (more on this later).
Communicate
This is the big one.
When at sex parties be sure that you communicate clearly and in no uncertain terms. If you want something, say yes. If you don’t want something, say no. If you don’t want something anymore, say stop.
Get comfortable with saying no
Practice it.
Get good at it.
It’s more challenging that you may think.
It is common for people to speak in a passive, roundabout ways when turning someone down in the muggle world. This may be polite and effective when declining to donate to some save the world organization but it doesn’t fly at the sex club. While the saying goes, “If it’s not a fuck yeah it’s a hell no,” don’t take it for granted that other people are just going to know what you want, so be sure to fully communicate your nos … and if you’re not sure, it’s a no — you can always think about it and change your mind later.
Turning down someone’s offer to play may feel rude, but it’s just a part of the game when out at sex parties. Sometimes you will turn down other people, sometimes they will turn you down. If you can’t deal with rejection then a sex club isn’t the place for you.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you should be rude. Declining an offer to play doesn’t mean that you need to be cold. A simple, “Thank you for asking, I’m very flattered but I’m not really feeling it” does the job. Or redirects, such as “I’m not really into playing together right now, but would you like to grab a drink and talk instead?” works as well.
How to communicate before and during play
While so much of communication in the vanilla realm is non-verbal, that simply doesn’t fly in the kink world. So use your words.
If you would like to play with someone, ask them. I will publish a post that covers this in more detail soon, but saying something like, “I think we’re going to start playing soon, by any chance would you like to join?” (preferably to someone that you’ve already broken the ice with) is a good way to get things going.
After you get a clear yes, the communication doesn’t end there. Usually, there will then be a little meeting where everyone who is about to play together discusses their STI status and when the last time they were tested was, condom usage preferences, what things they want to do sexually and what they enjoy, what things they don’t like, if there are any body parts are off limits (i.e. ass), etc.
But even after this, the communication should continue.
Even if it’s already implied that it’s alright, ask before touching someone for the first time.
I also like to check in before doing anything new or when elevating the scene. For example, before going down on a woman, before licking an ass, before initiating intercourse, etc. A simple, “Would you like me to do this? / Do you like this?” is usually sufficient.
When it comes to orgasming, it’s good practice to give a warning before cumming in someone’s mouth, on their face, breasts, etc. When I am about to cum I will ask my partner where they would like me to do it. My wife, for example, likes it in her mouth.
Basically, the verbal communication should continue throughout the sexual process. This isn’t just to ensure consent but it’s also a way of staying connected and making sure that everyone feels full agency for what’s happening and that everyone is actively enjoying the scene.
Observe body language
While you want to rely on clear verbal confirmation throughout each sexual engagement at a club or party, that doesn’t mean that body language should be ignored. People will put themselves in position to receive what they want. If they want to suck your cock they will put themselves on their knees with their face in proximity to your midsection or they will open their mouths and indicate for you to put it in, if they want you to fuck them they will spread their legs or angle their ass towards you, if they want you to sit on their face they will put themselves in position for this to be done.
If someone isn’t going into a position to do a particular act, it may be because they are unsure of it or simply don’t want to do it. So don’t force it. Although it usually doesn’t hurt to ask if you’d like to do something that the scene isn’t naturally progressing towards.
Don’t get intoxicated
While play parties are often places where people are readily drinking and indulging in other types of intoxicants (mostly pot and MDMA) people getting overtly intoxicated is relatively rare and is very much looked down upon.
Play parties are different than bars. The object here is to connect with people, hang out, and have sexy experiences, not to get wasted. So the focus of the night is usually placed elsewhere beyond making trips to the bar.
However, this is something that needs to be addressed, especially for people who are new to the swing scene and are accustom to pounding back drinks in social situations.
That said, just about every respectable play party has rules against people becoming too intoxicated, and if someone is visibly stumbling around or slurring their words, they will more than likely be escorted out.
My advice:
Know what your limits are and don’t go beyond them.
Work on becoming comfortable enough in your own skin that you don’t feel the need to cloak yourself in intoxicants.
Don’t hesitate to call people out / report creepers
I have to admit that this is something that I have challenges with. I grew up in an environment where people don’t snitch on each other and running to a guardian to report someone at a sex party just isn’t something that’s very comfortable for me. However, simply telling someone who is clearly violating consent to hit the road isn’t enough, as they will more than likely just go and do the same thing to someone else.
Unfortunately, I’ve seen this happen. Some years ago a solo dude attempted to join an orgy that my wife and I were having at a club. He jumped right in and began touching her without requesting consent or even saying anything at all. We chased him away … but left it at that. Later on in the night he committed a major consent violation, leaving a clearly drugged out girl crying in a heap on the floor.
While I know that I can’t get too down on myself for this — who’s going to pull out of an orgy that’s in full swing to go tell on some dude? — but I know there is a chance I could have prevented what eventually transpired.
The lesson was learned:
Even at the best of sex clubs, creepers can sometimes slip through the cracks and guardians can’t catch everything.
There is an entire layer of communication that goes on in the orgy piles that’s difficult to observe from the outside. So don’t hesitate to report people that you think should be watched a little more closely. Taking responsibility for yourself also means taking responsibility for your community.
Go to non-play educational or recreational events and make friends
The more people you know in a given sex-positive community the safer you’re probably going to feel there.
The good sex clubs are actual clubs: they are social communities were people know each other, share a common interest, and have a mutual history. And while certainly a lot of anonymous sex does happen at these places, it is better to make connections and get to know the people around us.
This social aspect of sex clubs cannot be underestimated. These are not dump-and-go kinds of places. Generally, any given party is 80% hanging out and making new friends and 20% sex.
Getting to know your community and making yourself a regular is one of the most enjoyable aspects of swinging. It is also something that’s going to keep you safer. When people know you, they watch out for you.
Going to a sex-positive community’s non-play educational and recreational events is a good way to make connections and advance into the scene. These events may include things like rope shares, impact play demonstrations, naked comedy shows, tutorials on non-monogamy, game nights, dance parties, etc.
Conclusion
When it comes down to it, good, members-only sex clubs are remarkably safe places to hang out and, if you choose, play. While miscommunications and consent violations do occasionally happen they tend to be remarkably rare. So while I wouldn’t recommend being overtly guarded when at sex parties, I would recommend following the above protocols to keep yourself and those around you as safe, so that you can have a truly memorable and incredibly sexy time.
If you have any other advice or tips, please share them in the comments below.
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