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How To Stay Safe At Sex Clubs And Parties

Sex club

As far as I am concerned, a good sex party is the absolute epitome of excitement. You’re all dressed up, meeting new people, and strategizing with your partner to arrange thrilling, intimate experiences that you will always remember.

Good sex clubs and well-organized parties are generally relatively safe spaces to let yourself go and indulge your hidden desires, kinks, or fantasies. I strongly feel that the excitement to risk ratio actually pales in comparison to other physical hobbies, such as mountaineering, skiing, or even international travel.

However, just because you are in a well-vetted community that highly values consent and has an array of safety protocols in place, consent violations and miscommunications unfortunately can — and do — occasionally happen. Even in the best erotic communities creepers can sometimes slip through the cracks, intentions can me misunderstood or miscommunicated, and unexpected things can happen which could potentially lead to a compromising situation. There is only so much that a venue can do to ensure that their space is safe. The rest is up to us.

The following is a list of things that you can do to keep yourself and those around you safe at sex clubs and parties.

Choose your party wisely

Sex clubs and parties are extremely popular now and their quality and level of safety vary greatly from club to club. Some are well run and do a lot to cultivate a membership that understands the ethics and guidelines of the community, while there are others that seem to only care about price of admission that you pay at the door.

There are two kinds of clubs in the swinging world:

Those that only accepted vetted and approved members and those that just about let anyone walk in off the street who has enough money for a ticket.

Unless you’re looking for an unpredictable, ultra sketchy experience full of solo dudes who don’t understand consent protocols or are in a location where there isn’t another option, just avoid the walk-in style clubs. Seriously.

While it may sometimes seem annoying or like overkill, the more membership hoops a sex club has you jump through to get accepted, the better. You want a club that requires detailed responses to essay questions like “What does consent mean to you?”, links to your social media profiles, a recommendation from an existing member, etc … because if they’re doing a deep evaluation of you, they are doing one of everyone else.

One of the biggest factors as to what makes a sex party enjoyable or not is the other people who are there, and requiring memberships and vetting applicants is a big first step to cultivating a community that you actually want to be a part of.

Go with a partner / friend

For some people, being a part of the sex-positive / swing / kink community is a big secret that they don’t want anyone else in their lives to know about. While for others, going alone and sexually engaging with a room full of strangers is part of the excitement.

So I don’t want to discourage people from going to sex parties alone. However, going with someone who can watch out for you, that you can check in with, or who could potentially spare you from making a poor choice is a major step towards staying safe and having an experience that you don’t regret.

I usually go to parties with my wife, and we navigate the social interactions and organize our scenes as a team. This isn’t only a safety thing but we feel that having someone to experience this with also adds to the fun.

If you don’t have or want a regular partner, finding a sex club friend — either intimate or platonic — could be clutch. There are plenty of people on Feeld who would love to have a friend to go to clubs and parties with. Or check out some vanilla events at clubs and try to make connections there (more on this later).


This is the big one.

When at sex parties be sure that you communicate clearly and in no uncertain terms. If you want something, say yes. If you don’t want something, say no. If you don’t want something anymore, say stop.

Get comfortable with saying no

Practice it.

Get good at it.

It’s more challenging that you may think.

It is common for people to speak in a passive, roundabout ways when turning someone down in the muggle world. This may be polite and effective when declining to donate to some save the world organization but it doesn’t fly at the sex club. While the saying goes, “If it’s not a fuck yeah it’s a hell no,” don’t take it for granted that other people are just going to know what you want, so be sure to fully communicate your nos … and if you’re not sure, it’s a no — you can always think about it and change your mind later.

Turning down someone’s offer to play may feel rude, but it’s just a part of the game when out at sex parties. Sometimes you will turn down other people, sometimes they will turn you down. If you can’t deal with rejection then a sex club isn’t the place for you.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you should be rude. Declining an offer to play doesn’t mean that you need to be cold. A simple, “Thank you for asking, I’m very flattered but I’m not really feeling it” does the job. Or redirects, such as “I’m not really into playing together right now, but would you like to grab a drink and talk instead?” works as well.

How to communicate before and during play

While so much of communication in the vanilla realm is non-verbal, that simply doesn’t fly in the kink world. So use your words.

If you would like to play with someone, ask them. I will publish a post that covers this in more detail soon, but saying something like, “I think we’re going to start playing soon, by any chance would you like to join?” (preferably to someone that you’ve already broken the ice with) is a good way to get things going.

After you get a clear yes, the communication doesn’t end there. Usually, there will then be a little meeting where everyone who is about to play together discusses their STI status and when the last time they were tested was, condom usage preferences, what things they want to do sexually and what they enjoy, what things they don’t like, if there are any body parts are off limits (i.e. ass), etc.

But even after this, the communication should continue.

Even if it’s already implied that it’s alright, ask before touching someone for the first time.

I also like to check in before doing anything new or when elevating the scene. For example, before going down on a woman, before licking an ass, before initiating intercourse, etc. A simple, “Would you like me to do this? / Do you like this?” is usually sufficient.

When it comes to orgasming, it’s good practice to give a warning before cumming in someone’s mouth, on their face, breasts, etc. When I am about to cum I will ask my partner where they would like me to do it. My wife, for example, likes it in her mouth.

Basically, the verbal communication should continue throughout the sexual process. This isn’t just to ensure consent but it’s also a way of staying connected and making sure that everyone feels full agency for what’s happening and that everyone is actively enjoying the scene.

Observe body language

While you want to rely on clear verbal confirmation throughout each sexual engagement at a club or party, that doesn’t mean that body language should be ignored. People will put themselves in position to receive what they want. If they want to suck your cock they will put themselves on their knees with their face in proximity to your midsection or they will open their mouths and indicate for you to put it in, if they want you to fuck them they will spread their legs or angle their ass towards you, if they want you to sit on their face they will put themselves in position for this to be done.

If someone isn’t going into a position to do a particular act, it may be because they are unsure of it or simply don’t want to do it. So don’t force it. Although it usually doesn’t hurt to ask if you’d like to do something that the scene isn’t naturally progressing towards.

Don’t get intoxicated

While play parties are often places where people are readily drinking and indulging in other types of intoxicants (mostly pot and MDMA) people getting overtly intoxicated is relatively rare and is very much looked down upon.

Play parties are different than bars. The object here is to connect with people, hang out, and have sexy experiences, not to get wasted. So the focus of the night is usually placed elsewhere beyond making trips to the bar.

However, this is something that needs to be addressed, especially for people who are new to the swing scene and are accustom to pounding back drinks in social situations.

That said, just about every respectable play party has rules against people becoming too intoxicated, and if someone is visibly stumbling around or slurring their words, they will more than likely be escorted out.

My advice:

Know what your limits are and don’t go beyond them.

Work on becoming comfortable enough in your own skin that you don’t feel the need to cloak yourself in intoxicants.

Don’t hesitate to call people out / report creepers

I have to admit that this is something that I have challenges with. I grew up in an environment where people don’t snitch on each other and running to a guardian to report someone at a sex party just isn’t something that’s very comfortable for me. However, simply telling someone who is clearly violating consent to hit the road isn’t enough, as they will more than likely just go and do the same thing to someone else.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen this happen. Some years ago a solo dude attempted to join an orgy that my wife and I were having at a club. He jumped right in and began touching her without requesting consent or even saying anything at all. We chased him away … but left it at that. Later on in the night he committed a major consent violation, leaving a clearly drugged out girl crying in a heap on the floor.

While I know that I can’t get too down on myself for this — who’s going to pull out of an orgy that’s in full swing to go tell on some dude? — but I know there is a chance I could have prevented what eventually transpired.

The lesson was learned:

Even at the best of sex clubs, creepers can sometimes slip through the cracks and guardians can’t catch everything.

There is an entire layer of communication that goes on in the orgy piles that’s difficult to observe from the outside. So don’t hesitate to report people that you think should be watched a little more closely. Taking responsibility for yourself also means taking responsibility for your community.

Go to non-play educational or recreational events and make friends

The more people you know in a given sex-positive community the safer you’re probably going to feel there.

The good sex clubs are actual clubs: they are social communities were people know each other, share a common interest, and have a mutual history. And while certainly a lot of anonymous sex does happen at these places, it is better to make connections and get to know the people around us.

This social aspect of sex clubs cannot be underestimated. These are not dump-and-go kinds of places. Generally, any given party is 80% hanging out and making new friends and 20% sex.

Getting to know your community and making yourself a regular is one of the most enjoyable aspects of swinging. It is also something that’s going to keep you safer. When people know you, they watch out for you.

Going to a sex-positive community’s non-play educational and recreational events is a good way to make connections and advance into the scene. These events may include things like rope shares, impact play demonstrations, naked comedy shows, tutorials on non-monogamy, game nights, dance parties, etc.


When it comes down to it, good, members-only sex clubs are remarkably safe places to hang out and, if you choose, play. While miscommunications and consent violations do occasionally happen they tend to be remarkably rare. So while I wouldn’t recommend being overtly guarded when at sex parties, I would recommend following the above protocols to keep yourself and those around you as safe, so that you can have a truly memorable and incredibly sexy time.

If you have any other advice or tips, please share them in the comments below.

When The NY Times Attacks The Sex Positive Community

NY Times Hit Piece

I suppose it’s to be expected that with the exploding popularity of the sex-positive / swing / kink movement there is going to come a backlash from more traditional elements of society who view alternative takes relationships and sex as a threat.

This backlash has begun here in New York City, with The New York Times running a hit piece directed at the Hacienda swing club in Brooklyn a couple of days ago, alleging that rape and other non-consensual acts happen at their events which the club doesn’t appropriately respond to. The article was entitled “A Brooklyn Sex Club Promised Freedom. Some Called It Rape” while the NY Post did a more scathing copycat article with the headline “‘Sex-positive’ NY orgy club accused of covering up rape, abuse as founder denies having performed non-consensual act.” This provoked a global windfall of similar stories, with Britain’s Daily Mail and others picking up the refrain.

The message here is clear: they’re coming for us.

However, when you look through the NY Times story, something inevitably stands out: it’s relatively devoid of any real substance. While it was touted to have been the result of a seven month investigation, the reporter, Sarah Maslin Nir, never actually visited the club and seemed to have difficulty coming up with examples of improprieties that happened less than a decade ago — and even then they were generally “he said / she said” incidents that lacked any semblance of corroboration or authority. Beyond that, the story had the feel, tone, and depth of a gossip column that brought little new information to light, mostly bringing up incidents that the community has processed and laid to rest long ago or unfavorable situations that every sex-positive club unfortunately has to deal with from time to time. It’s apparent that the reporter was assigned a hit piece and had a really difficult time producing it.

As I am a member of Hacienda and a regular at their parties, I recognize that I am biased. However, I also have a degree in journalism and previously enjoyed a career writing for big news media, so I feel compelled to comment on the grounds that the journalism — if you can call it that — of this story was severely lacking.

To get into it:

-The main incident that this story focuses on happened 12 years ago and involves a woman who was living in the Hacienda house (people live there too) who was “approached and badgered into sex” by a guest at a party. She apparently relented to his requests and engaged sexually with him. However, the following morning she regretted her actions and had questions about whether she had actually given consent. It is unclear if the accuser used the term “rape” or if that was added by the reporter, but it ended up in the headline of the article nonetheless.

Then, she said, it happened to her. Ms. Fisher was in her kitchen at Hacienda in spring 2012 when she was approached and badgered into sex by a guest of the sex party she had left downstairs, she said. She awoke feeling that she had not given her consent to what had occurred — that she had been raped.

The way that this guy allegedly acted — hounding someone for sex — was way outside the acceptable guidelines of the community and punitive action should have been taken to reprimand him or ban him from future parties, but to have this be the lead incident in a NY Times story 12 years later makes it seem as if the reporter may have been grasping at straws — an impression that persisted throughout the remainder of the piece.

-There was an accusation against Kenneth Play, one of Hacienda’s founders, implying that he publicly engaged in non-consensual sexual acts with a female member at a party over a decade ago. However, when you read this story it appears as if the person in question gave consent in the moment but later on felt that Play shouldn’t have honored it due to her having too much to drink.

About a decade ago, a woman said she was visibly intoxicated and unable to consent when Mr. Play publicly performed sex acts on her at a party. In their statement to The Times, Hacienda’s leadership acknowledged the encounter but said it was consensual. They called the woman’s allegations “unfounded and untrue.”

The journalist did not name the woman and it seems as if she hadn’t spoken with her directly.

Take this for what it’s worth: I know Kenneth and we’ve played in proximity to each other on numerous occasions. In my experience, he has always followed the proper consent protocols down to the wire and it is difficult for me to imagine this situation taking place as documented in the NY Times story — especially as it was said to have happened in the presence of many other people. A woman being intoxicated to the point where she couldn’t give consent would be a red flag at any sex party, and it’s difficult to imagine nobody else noticing it.

But, again, this incident happened a decade ago, Play and Hacienda acknowledge it but vehemently deny that any non-consensual play occurred, and the Times journalist seems to have reported hearsay without adding any new information, corroborating it in any way, or using any information from direct sources.

-The story said that Play was kicked out of three other erotic clubs because of the above incident but doesn’t state what clubs these were or how the reporter discovered this. Play and Hacienda also deny that this is true.

-Another incident the story shone light on also allegedly occurred around a decade ago and involved a couple who had an established sexual relationship and were residents at the Hacienda house.

Mr. Doray was still living in one of the brownstones about two years later, when another resident, Kristin Stadelmann-Ferreira, said he raped her in her room at the Hacienda Villa on Troutman Street.

She said Mr. Doray, a surrealist clown and burlesque performer who was known at Hacienda for his intense spanking demonstrations, forced her to have sex while she was wearing a tampon.

Ms. Stadelmann-Ferreira, who was romantically involved with Mr. Doray, said she told leadership about the episode but was ignored, in part, she said, because of her own erratic behavior. Shortly after the encounter with Mr. Doray, Ms. Stadelmann-Ferreira, who has schizophrenia, said she had a breakdown and ran naked onto Troutman Street. She was hospitalized for psychiatric care.

Make what you will of this but I am in no position to comment.

-There were two reported incidents from women who claim to have been pushed against walls at parties.

-There was also a report from 2020 from a non-binary individual who claims that she was non-consensually choked and when she tried to report it to a guardian (one of the people who watch over the play areas of Hacienda) she was instructed to keep her voice down.

– There were no allegations of non-consensual acts presented in the article from the past four years.

-There were no police reports filed or any officially verifiable information for any of the incidents mentioned.

Another vital element that this article sorely missed was context. Hacienda has been around for over 12 years and has had literally thousands of events and parties attended by tens of thousands of people. It’s my opinion that if this club was as sketchy as it’s made out to be in the Times article then the reporter probably should have been able to come up with more scathing, better documented, and more recent examples to illustrate her points. While I don’t wish to belittle the complaints of the people mentioned in this story, taken altogether they hardly amount to the improprieties that occur over the course of a weekend at a random frat house in Tuscaloosa.

Everything about this story came off as obtuse to those who are familiar with the subject matter. In the swing / kink scene of NYC, Hacienda is known as being one of the best of the best — a fact that was indirectly attested to as the reporter seemed to have an extremely difficult time in her hunt for dirt on the place, repeatedly having to reach back over a decade to come up with anything of significance.

If this reporter actually went to a party at Hacienda she would have found a very well connected community of people having a good time and exploring themselves and each other. She would have found people laughing, people playing, people expressing themselves in a way that they can’t in any other phase of life. She would have found a team of guardians who keep a close watch over everyone who are very active about responding to complaints and have no qualms about taking people aside for a talk or even to throw them out of the party. She would have found hundreds of people who feel safe and secure in the space … and may have realized that her entire “expose” to take the place down was unfounded and lacked merit.

What Are The Health Risks Of Swinging, Sex Parties, And Gangbangs

gangbang sign

We recently received a question from a reader named J about the health risks associated with a creampie gangbang that she had arranged for her 30th birthday during a trip to Europe:

I’m turning 30 in July and have been into group sex since my early 20’s. Very experienced with gangbangs, anal, DP etc. This summer I’m organizing a party for myself. Traveling to Europe. The organizers (husband and wife) have been doing this for like 15 years or so. It’s a controlled environment. Everyone vetted. A nice clean, open place. We’re still working out details but there’d be a sofa, sex chair, etc. Some mirrors around.

About 6 – 8 very experienced men. Basically, I’m going to get fucked in every hole. Very intense, very hardcore. Kinky positions. Full nelson being one. Some planning but just enough to make things go smoothly. Work out some “scenes”. The aim is to go for about 2+ hours. I just want to be the nastiest slut during this. My bday present to myself. I’m going to orgasm like crazy.

So, it’s going to be bareback. Everyone will be tested. I’ll be taking PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) for protection against HIV. I know there is still risk involved but I’m doing what I can to minimize it.

I’m just wondering if there is anything else I might consider. There will be cum in my pussy and ass. I am planning to get tested more than once after I come back. I’ll be holding off on sex until tested…

…Could I still catch an STI? Sure. I’m be on birth control but is there a non zero chance I could be impregnated? Yeah. I’m will to take the risk to experience this.

Hello J,

In my view of things, swinging / recreational promiscuity is a hobby — it is something that we do to take our minds off of work, the daily grind, and to add a layer of pure excitement and pleasure to life — and, like most hobbies, there is an element of risk. However, when compared with hobbies like mountaineering, rock climbing, long distance bicycling, backwoods hiking, boxing, international travel, hanging out late at night in bars … I strongly feel that the risks inherent to being a responsible slut are relatively slim.

In fact, I would say that the excitement to risk ratio of the slut life is far better than just about any other physical hobby out there. Almost invariably, with excitement comes risk, and we must choose to accept it if we want to have a life that is worth living.

If you enjoy motocross you may crash and break some bones; if you enjoy having sex with a bunch of people you may need to go to the doctor to get some antibiotics.

While this of course isn’t a reason to avoid precaution, even if you have unprotected sex with someone who is STI positive it is not guaranteed that they will pass it on to you. If you’re a woman having sex with a dude who has chlamydia there’s a 45% chance that you get it. The rate is a bit higher for gonorrhea at 80%. For syphilis, it’s 30%. As far as HIV is concerned, if you’re a woman having vaginal intercourse with a dude who is positive the probability of infection is 1 in 1,234.

If you told a mountain climber that they have a 1 in 1,234 chance of dying on each climb I imagine they would be like fuck yeah and feel virtually invincible.

However, the HIV infection rate of receptive anal with an infected partner is significantly higher, at 1 in 72 … and you will be banging multiple guys who are cumming in your ass.

But we also have to take into account that you are doing this gangbang with organizers that you trust and with men are vetted and have shown STI test results. Plus, on top of it all you said that you will be on PREP.

It seems to me that your chances of getting any STIs from this encounter are slim, and getting HIV in particular is near zero. It is my opinion that you’d probably stand a better chance of slipping and falling off a cliff while hiking in the French Alps.

For perspective, I am a part of a few different gangbang groups in NYC. Two of them focus on raw play and the dudes test regularly. I’ve been a part of these groups for years, I go to sex parties just about every weekend, I regularly meet with partners privately and have threesomes, foursomes, etc, I’ve had sex with hundreds of people, and I haven’t had a positive STI result yet — and I get tested every other month.

In fact, nobody that I know in the scene has ever had anything worse than a periodic bout of chlamydia or gonorrhea or they’re carriers of herpes (which is so common that it’s not even really tested for), and, once you remove the stigma, these infections are really nothing to be too concerned about — they’re basically the slut’s equivalent of a sprained ankle, to use another sports analogy.

Of course, this isn’t to say that you should be lackadaisical about sexual health, but that the common preventative measures that we use — condoms or testing — work. Use them, trust them.

This is all to say that I find no reason for you to worry about your birthday bang. You very much seem like a responsible slut and that you are doing everything you can to effectively mitigate the risk. Have fun, let loose, and enjoy it.

Sunday Afternoon Gangbang


It was high noon on a Sunday in New York City and I was on my way to a gangbang. A friend sent out the the beacon the day before looking for five or six dudes to share one of his partners with. It didn’t take much deliberating before I signed on — what else was I going to do, watch football?

This is one of my favorite gangbang groups. It’s a private group that meets at the host’s apartment in Brooklyn. Usually there are one or two girls who have desire or curiosity for multiple men at once and a cool group of dudes who all seem to have one main thing in common: an ability to check one of the boxes that read long, thick, or both.

Read more: A Complete Guide To Gangbangs

But the dudes in this group also have other attributes in common too. Everyone is fit, some have bulging pecs and a wash board of abs, and everyone could be described by words like “cool,” “chill,” or even “nice.”

There is more to gangbangs than just the banging. They are social events where in between rounds and when things are wrapped up everyone just hangs out naked talking and joking around. One jerk can spoil an entire event.

So if you’re a dude who wants to get into gangbangs, it helps if you:

  1. Have / get (it’s possible) a big cock.
  2. Get fit.
  3. Aren’t a dick.

The third one is probably the most difficult of all.

Another thing about this group is the dudes in it are extremely reliable. When you have a gangbang with a bunch of newbies and random guys at least 50% of them are not going to show up as a general rule — especially when they don’t cost anything. No-shows are endemic in the gangbang world. I was at one in Jersey once where I was one of only two dudes who showed. It was awkward.

However, gangbangs have been exploding in popularity, and most cities now have plenty of established groups ready to go. What’s interesting is that this newfound popularity is mostly being driven by women. It is a common fantasy that more and more women are acting on, and I can’t even say how many times I’ve been on a date with a new partner who had their eyes lit up at the mere mention of the word gangbang.

Fet, SLS, and Reddit are some of the main places to find people for gangbangs or to join groups. The host of the Sunday bnang found me through a connection on Fet and then found one of my friends through photos and videos on my profile of him having threesomes with my wife and I. When he first contacted me I had no idea who he was. I was walking out of the gym and I just received this random text from a number than I didn’t recognize with a picture of a girl asking if I’d like to join. “Of course,” I responded … not finding out until later how he got my number.

When I arrived at the gangbang on Sunday I knew the front door of his apartment was going to be unlocked. I always like this. While I’ve been to this dude’s place before, it is still exciting to open the door to someone else’s home knowing that you’re going to find naked people inside. And that’s exactly what I found.

The host was fucking a hot tan skinned thicc girl from behind on a bed that he had set up right by the door. He turned for a moment and nonchalantly waved to me, welcoming me into his home as though he was kicked back on a sofa holding a beer and watching a football game.

The girl was voluptuous in all the right places and of a race that I could not determine — half black? Hispanic? Middle Eastern? I had no idea — which is also something that I really like.

I began stripping off my clothes, and as I was doing so another guy walked in. He was tall, thin, broad shouldered, and was also covered in tattoos. I recognized him from a previous gangbang. He beat me to the strip down, and jumped in with the girl as the host took a break. He often likes to sit back and watch his friends devour his girl — that’s kind of his thing. This dude had a really long cock, and when he put it in the girl moaned as she felt the additional inch.

I watched as he fucked her for a while and then he turned and waved me in as he moved around to the front and put his cock in the girl’s mouth. She took it greedily. I positioned myself behind her and put my face in her big ass and began licking her pussy. Then I positioned myself on my knees and tried to plunge my cock inside her. It was a little too tight of a fit and I had to really force it in. I felt her slowly stretch over me and she let out a moan when it finally broke through.

Two more guys showed up. One was especially big. We all took turns fucking her pussy and face in various different positions. At one point she was on her back with her head draped off the edge while the host fucked her throat while another dude was banging her pussy. I watched the outline of his huge cock moving through the corridor of her neck … She then nearly fell off the bed and we decided to move into the other room where there was a mattress on the floor.

We continued taking turns, and eventually the tattooed white dude pulled his long cock out of her pussy and came on her back. The seal of the ganbang was broken — the first dude ejaculated.

I then flipped her over and began fucking her pussy until I came.

After watching that the host came in and began fucking her with enhanced vigor. She came loudly. Then he ordered her to stay open as she came down from her orgasm and then vigorously continued his work. Pounding, pounding until he finished inside her.

Not bad for a Sunday afternoon.

How To Lift Weights To Have More And Better Sex

Woman with weights

Continuously striving to obtain an optimum level of physical fitness is an essential part of living the swinging life. While personality, intelligence, and an interesting backstory count a lot in the game of attracting potential partners, being as physically attractive as reasonable will exponentially increase your chances of success. Swinging, in essence, is a playful cashing in on your primal urges … and people tend to prefer having sex with people who they are attracted to.

This doesn’t mean that you need to fit into size two jeans or have a six pack of abs … No, not at all — the swing community tends to be extremely body positive. But I will tell you that the fitter you make yourself the better you’re liable to feel, the more confident you will be, and the more fun you’re likely going to have. 

The motivation for being fit while swinging is many fold: sex is a good motivator to exercise and exercise leads to being healthier overall. While I tell myself in the gym that I’m training to look good at the swing club on Saturday night or the erotic resort in the summer, I know deep down that the real benefit is being healthier, which improves all aspects of life.

Like swinging, fitness is a lifestyle. It’s a habit. For some, it becomes an obsession. It’s something that you just do everyday, like brushing your teeth or checking your email, and getting to this point is by far the most important thing — far more important than how many sets or reps of whatever exercise you do. But this takes time. Keep at it and soon the habit will lock itself in and lifting will become something that you crave rather than something you loathe or need to force yourself to do.

Woman bench pressing

That said, what I outline below is my exercise philosophy and an outline of the routine that I’m currently doing. There are as many ways to workout as there are people lifting, and feel free to adapt any of this, take advice from others, and build a workout that’s good for your body type and goals. I wrote this for absolute beginners, so if it’s a little below your intellect or level feel free to skip ahead.

If you’d like free personalized instruction, just contact us.

Muscle anatomy

Muscle anatomy

You don’t need a phd in anatomy to lift weights, but knowing the terminology of a few key muscle groups is going to be necessary. The chart above is a good place to start, however, keep in mind that the scientific names are often slang-ified. For example, quadriceps (thighs) are called quads, the latissimus dorsi are called lats, the trapezius muscles are called the traps, the deltoids are called delts, the gluteus muscles are called glutes …

How often should you work out?

As I mentioned above, more than the exercises you do and how you do them, the biggest factor in fitness success is consistency. The body loses additional muscle mass vastly faster than it takes to gain it, so working out like mad for two months and then missing a few weeks is going to keep sending you back to square one. That’s discouraging. So devising a plan that can become a regular part of life is essential — whether that means two days or five days a week.

When you first start something you’re going to feast on the endorphin rush. You get a new gym membership, some new sneakers, start following some new fitness influencers, join some new social media communities, start going to the gym everyday and your synapses are firing off in all directions. You’re doing something new. It’s exciting.

But eventually working out will lose its shiny new coating and real life will start to kick in — you will have to work, have family stuff, feel like you’re tired, and may get discouraged that results aren’t coming fast enough. If you build an endorphin mountain you’re liable to fall off the cliff, and getting back on top won’t be easy to do. You may have the time to be in the gym for six days a week right now, but will you be able to keep this up six months from now? Probably not. So start slow and work into a routine that fits your lifestyle that is sustainable long-term. 

Tattooed woman at the gym

In the beginning, I say aim for two to three days per week in the gym and then two days of lighter workouts at home or doing calisthenics in a park, running wind sprints, hiking, biking, playing a sport, or doing a martial art. Don’t try to destroy yourself right away. Instead, let the obsession build.

Bodies also need time to recover — especially when first starting out. You need rest days to obtain gains. Working out breaks down muscle fibers, resting builds these fibers back up bigger and stronger.

How should you organize your workouts?

Many people take hardline positions when it comes to working out, thinking that their way is the best. But it is my impression that just so you’re going to the gym consistently, working hard, focusing on the optimal exercises and doing them with proper form then most exercise routines are going to produce similar results.


One common way of organizing workouts is by working out certain muscle groups on certain days. For example, on day one you will do chest / back; day two, legs; day three, arms / shoulders, etc … Examples of split routines.

There is nothing wrong with splits, and I actually worked out like this for years, but I’ve since moved on to doing full body routines.

Full body routines

The initial reason why I started doing full body workouts was because my work and travel schedule is kind of erratic and I was having difficulty completing my weekly split routine — and when I would miss a muscle group I would often go two weeks before hitting it again. I now don’t worry about missing days or muscle groups, because every time I go to the gym I exercise everything.

But the longer I’ve been doing full body workouts the more some other benefits became evident. By not doing so many sets each day per muscle group I no longer get those annoying little joint and tendon tweaks. I’ve also found that I get better gains, have better definition between muscles, and have lost more fat. There is a science to this.

Basically, full body workouts keep muscle protein synthesis elevated for each muscle group throughout the week, whereas doing splits means that each muscle group is only elevated for 12-24 hours post workout before returning to baseline. This means I can keep my body in a perpetual state of building new muscle, everywhere, all the time.

Another benefit of full body workouts is that you don’t have to rest as much between exercises, as you can go from chest to back to quads to hamstrings to shoulders to arms … and then by the time you get back to chest you’re ready to go again.

Pragmatically speaking, there is another benefit of full body workouts: there are more options for exercises that you can do at any given time, so you spend way less time waiting for machines in crowded gyms. If someone is on a machine that I want to use, I just go and exercise another body part while waiting. Or if some jackass decides to make the leg extension machine his personal Instagram scrolling station for an entire workout session, I can just say screw it because I know that I can just return do the gym and do leg extensions the following day.

How to workout

Sets and reps

When working out, a rep (repetition) is one unit of an exercise that is performed. For example, one pushup, one pull up, or one bench press … Each rep of an exercise has two phases: concentric and eccentric. The concentric phase is the one that works the target muscles — in a pull up, for example, it would be the motion where you pull your chin up over the bar. The eccentric phase is the release of tension on the target muscle or the process of lowering the weight in the direction of gravity. I.e. lowing back down from a pull up.

A set is a collection of reps performed one after another until either the target number is reached or you can’t do anymore.

While there are a zillion conflicting pieces of advice on the optimal amount of reps per set, I tend to think that this is mostly just noise. If you’re doing rep ranges between five and 30 you’re going to build muscle. What matters is that you take each set to absolute failure — the point where you absolutely can’t do anymore reps.

I usually aim to do 5-15 reps per set and three or five sets per exercise.

If I’m doing five sets, I usually arrange the weight in kind of a “pyramid” fashion. I will start out with a lower weight where I can do 10-15 reps, then increase the weight and do 6-8 reps, and then increase the weight again so that I can only do around 5 reps, and then I work my way back down the pyramid, doing the same weight as on the way up.

If doing three sets, I will start heavy and then work my way down, doing more reps as I go.

Do a full range of motion

While there are methods of working out where you only work one segment of a lift, I think that overly complicates things and doesn’t lead to the best results. I suggest doing a full range of motion per rep, where you stretch the muscles out as much as possible at the top of the rep and the contract them as much as possible at the bottom.

Optimize resistance on the eccentric phase

To get the best workout possible don’t just release the weight on the eccentric phase and leave it to the whims of gravity. No, lower the weight slowly and gently, keeping muscle tension on it at all times.

How to breath

Like with most strenuous physical activities, how you breath impacts how you will perform. When it comes to lifting weights, on the eccentric phase of a rep breath in, on the concentric phase breath out.

Work opposing muscle groups equally

Movement at joints follows a simple formula: one muscle pulls the joint one way and an opposing muscle pulls it the other way. When working out, it is of optimal importance to exercise both sides of each joint equally to stave off injury and to obtain the best results. So if you push with a benchpress make sure you pull with some rows, if you do a bicep curl be sure to do a tricep extension, if you do leg extensions be sure to do hamstring curls.

Base your exercise routine around opposing muscle groups, always doing the same amount of exercises per side. What’s good about exercising like this is that you can go from working one side of a joint to the other with minimal rest in between.

The best exercises to do

The best weight lifting exercises to do is, of course, very subjective, but I tend to focus my workouts on big compound movements that stimulate multiple muscles groups and then sprinkle in some key isolation exercises to top things off.

The following are the exercises that I usually incorporate in my routine, arranged by muscle group.


Barbell bench press

The barbell bench press should be a staple in just about any workout routine. It focuses on the entire pec region while also hitting the anterior delts (the front of the shoulders) and the triceps. It also really works some stabilizer muscles. I always do barbell bench presses at the very beginning of my circuit … mostly because I really like doing them.

Machine bench press

While I view the barbell bench press as superior, I also sometimes do machine bench presses. These come in many different styles, from ones that you do on your back to ones that you do while seated. The advantage of these is that it allows you to really pile on the weight and go to absolute failure without needing to worry about dropping the bar on yourself — which is helpful if you don’t have a spotter. These also really allow you to concentrate on the contraction as you don’t need to think about re-racking the bar or whether you have enough in you to complete the rep. I also believe that they may be a little easier on the joints and tendons.

Flies, machine

I prefer doing flies with a machine rather than free weights because most machines allow for continue tension through the rep, whereas when you do this with dumbbells you lose resistance at the top of the rep due to weight being transferred to your bone structure.

Single arm dumbell press

I really like the single arm dumbbell press because it allows for a longer range of motion as I can really drop the bar down below the plane of my chest on the eccentric phase and really elongate the pec before contracting. I mostly only do this exercise on days when I’m working out at home, as I prefer to spend gym time on equipment that I don’t already own.

Chest band presses

This is another exercise that I do at home or when traveling, as I can take my resistance band anywhere. It provides a different type of stimulation on the muscle because the load increases through the rep. Ideally, you want to devise a workout routine that works your muscles in a variety of different ways.


While I often only do pushups when traveling or randomly. I feel as if this is one of the most integral exercises you can do. It’s good for those times when doing other things between gym sessions — such as watching a movie or right before bed. You can almost literally do pushups anywhere.



There’s usually a variety of different types of row machines in each gym, and while I don’t have anything against any of them, the one that I prefer is the chest supported seated row. I just feel it more when doing this exercise and can really isolate and squeeze by lats at the top of the contraction.

Lat pulldowns

This is one of the foundational muscle building exercises. If your gym doesn’t have at least one lat pulldown machine then you should probably find a new gym. Make sure you use a wide grip and pull the bar down while kind of pushing your chest out and contracting your shoulder blades together rather than using your arms.

Bent over dumbbell rows

This is another old school exercise that can be done both at the gym and at home. Again, concentrate on moving the weight with your back rather than arm, making the muscles around your shoulder blades do most of the work by pulling it in towards your center line.

Pull ups

While they seem too basic to be worthwhile, pull ups are one of my core exercises. I do them nearly every day in some capacity. Make sure that you push your chest out and squeeze your back together at the top of the rep and extend all the way down at the bottom, fully extending the lats. Also change up your grip from time to time, alternating between a normal grip, wide grip, and underhand grip.


Leg extensions

While not really a compound exercise, I really like leg extensions. They really give your quads a pop and do a lot to balance out the appearance of your full physique. When doing leg extensions I put the seat in the all the way back position so I’m almost laying slouched on the machine, as this allows for a fuller range of motion.

Leg press

For quads:

For glutes:

The leg press is probably my favorite leg exercise. There are two different exercises that I do with it which targets different muscle groups. The first is the leg press for my quads, where I will put my feet close together near the bottom of the platform. The other is the leg press for glutes / hamstrings, where I will put my feet at the top of the platform spread apart.


The deadlift is another foundational exercise that everyone should do. It builds size and strength in the quads, glutes, and hamstrings (big legs are sexy for both men and women!) as well as increases grip strength and works the shoulders and core. As the famed strongman Jón Páll Sigmarsson once proclaimed, “There is no reason to be alive if you can’t do deadlift.”

Romanian deadlifts

RDLs are a type of deadlift that’s … kind of like a half deadlift. But rather than this being a hack of an exercise this actually has a role and function. By concentrating on pivoting forward at the hips you really work the glutes and hamstrings. And as the motion is very similar to humping, this is one of the best exercises for sex.


While RDLs definitely increase sexual performance, squats are probably the best exercise for sex, as they drive blood into the pelvic region and works, well, your humping muscles. However, they are one exercise that I rarely do. My reasoning for this is simply that I don’t like how it feels in my spine when I squat, and that includes when I use a smith machine. I mostly use quad / glute leg presses and deadlifts as a substitute for squats, and that seems to work fine. Although if squatting doesn’t bother you, I highly recommend that you do it.

Glute bridge / hip thrust

With barbell:

With machine:

Hip thrusts are another good exercise for building banging glutes and increasing sexual fitness. As a rule of thumb, if an exercise looks like humping it’s probably good for humping.

Hamstring curls

Hamstring curls are the counter exercise to leg extensions. If you work the quads you gotta work the hammies. I don’t freak out with this exercise too much though as I also work the hamstrings with deadlifts and leg presses.

Calf raises

Your calves are the part of your leg that people are going to see the most, so you may as well chisel them.


Bicep pull downs

According to Mike Mentzer, this is the best exercise for biceps, and I have to agree. Humans evolved from aboral primates, and your muscle structure is still very much built for climbing. Bicep pull downs stimulate the biceps in a way that’s very similar to climbing a tree.

Bicep machine curls / bicep concentration curls

Although most people don’t seem to do them anymore, I still like bicep concentration curls. It’s an old school exercise that my dad taught me when I was a kid that has just kind of stuck with me. Although I sometimes use machines to do this as well.

Standing bicep curls

Standing bicep curls are one of my staple exercises. I often do them as the first part of a superset with machine curls.

Tricep push downs

I do tricep push downs as part of almost every routine. Sometimes i do them with a straight bar, sometimes with a rope.


Calisthenic dips are a part of my regular warm up routine and around twice per week I will do machine dips as well.


There are three muscle heads in your shoulders: the anterior (front), lateral (side), and posterior delts. A well-rounded workout routine will work all three heads equally. Failing to do so will result in uneven development and potentially in injury.

However, you will notice that I don’t do any isolated anterior delt exercises, and that’s because I feel as if I work these muscles adequately through other exercises.

Lateral raises

Lateral raises work your side delts, and can be done both with dumbbells or with a machine. I use both and don’t really have a preference for either.

Posterior deltoid dumbell raises

I try to do exercises for my posterior delts as much as I do for my lateral delts. My exercise of choice is to sit on a bench and bend over and flay my arms out with dumbbells in kind of a reverse fly.

Overhead press

I do various types of overhead presses — sometimes with dumbbells, sometimes with a barbell, and sometimes with a machine. I mix it up depending on what I feel like and what’s available in the gym.

Arnold presses

I really like Arnold presses because they work all sides of the delts in one exercise. There’s also something about them that just feels good.


People tend to work out their abs differently than other muscle groups, with sets of 100+ reps, or even not at all, thinking that their abs will show just by getting lean. It is my opinion that the abs should be worked out just like everything else, with heavy sets of 5-15 reps. Yes, your abs can get big and ripped. Yes, big and ripped abs are sexy.

Abdominal crunch machine

I love the abdominal crunch machine, but they vary greatly in quality. If your gym has a few options, try them all to find the one that gives you the best contraction. You want your midsection to feel as if it’s going to explode. Be sure to try to get the longest contraction possible by extending your back all the way back during the eccentric phase.

Weighted decline sit ups

This is another exercise that I really like because it allows the abs to stretch out during the eccentric phase of the rep which gives you a fuller range of motion compared to other ab exercises.

Hanging leg raises

This is a good exercise for the lower abs. I do these as part of my warm up routine. Try to move your legs up as high as possible and position your body in a V at the top of the concentric phase.

Dirty 30s

This is a good and simple workout for abs for days that you don’t go to the gym or if you feel you want to put in a little extra work on your mid-section.

How to make a routine

Now that we have our exercise methodology and a list of exercises, it’s time to construct a routine. I am not a professional bodybuilder and I don’t participate in strength sports, so I take a rather laid back, fun approach to working out … I don’t fret if someone is using a machine that I want to use, I don’t force myself to do exercises for body parts that are sore, and if I’m not feeling it or have other things to do I’m not opposed to occasional abbreviated routines.

I usually start my circuit by running sprints for a few blocks on my way to the gym. I don’t jog, as I feel as if jogging canibalizes muscles, tanks testosterone, is hard on the joints, and is … well, boring. Instead, I run as fast as I can for as long as I can, walk and rest a little, and then do it again. I act like I’m in the wild running from a bear or something. In all, I maybe do this for 10-20 minutes. Running fast is also a good skill to have that could potentially save your life someday. Humans were made to sprint.

After that, I go to the gym and do a warm that usually consists of pull ups, dips, and leg raises. Then I go into my weight lifting routine …

For this, I aim to pick 1-3 exercise from each muscle group and incorporate them into my circuit on any given day. What exercises I pick largely depends on what I feel like or what I’ve done on the previous day, as I try not to repeat the same exercises two days in a row. I usually do two chest exercises, two back exercises, three leg exercises, two shoulders, 1-2 biceps, 1-2 triceps, 1 trap, and two abs. I feel as if this adequately hits each muscle group and keeps them stimulated and growing without being overtaxing on any of them.

Ideally, I try to workout for two days in a row and then rest for one, but travel and my work / life schedule can get in the way of that, so I basically just go to the gym whenever I can, ideally going three or four days per week. When I don’t go to the gym I will workout at home (I have a bench and some free weights), run sprints, walk for a long distance, or simply do fun physical activities (like orgies and gangbangs!), work, or a sport.


In this way, working out has become a fundamental part of my life that is almost inseparable from anything else that I do. When I don’t exercise for a couple of days I start feeling weird, as if something is missing. It’s become a habit … or, some could say, an addiction. But I like to think of it as training — not for a sport but for going out to the swing clubs and resorts with my wife, which is something that has become a fundamental part of our relationship.

Swinger Tip: Give Warning Before Ejaculating In Someone’s Mouth

Blow job banana

This should go without saying and most dudes get this … which makes it all the more shocking when someone doesn’t.

My wife and I were out at one of our favorite swing clubs in Brooklyn in a room with a ceiling that’s covered with mirrors. We were in the middle of our second orgy of the night with another couple and two other dudes when a shaved head, bearded guy who appeared to be of Middle Eastern descent approached my wife with the hopes of playing. We’ve seen this guy around the club before and he always seemed alright, although we never played or ever really even talked with him. He was part of a scene that I was in a little earlier in the night, where he spent a really, really long time fingering a girl in a way that she didn’t seem to be particularly enjoying — not the worst thing in the world, but I took note of it.

At the time he approached my wife she was on her back while one of her regular partners (and one of my gangbang buddies) — a 6′ 5″ black dude — was banging her. I was at her side making out with her and I kind of saw the other dude’s cock out of the corner of my eye. Now, regular readers of this site know that my wife loves few things more than a cock in her mouth while there’s a cock in her pussy, and she accepted the other guy into her mouth.

I watched for a minute before engaging with someone else in the orgy … and maybe 30 seconds later my wife got a surprise: the dude ejaculated into her mouth without warning. She especially wasn’t expecting it because she’d only been sucking him for a minute or two and just expected him to say something, like almost every other guy she’s been with in this situation has done before.

After it happened she got my attention and told me that he came in her mouth, which I mistakenly assumed was a consensual, hot thing — my wife has a cum fetish — and I began making out with her and we continued the orgy. It wasn’t until later that I found out that it wasn’t consensual.

It’s not my assumption that the guy was being particular malicious or meant to violate consent. I don’t know for sure, of course, but I imagine he just didn’t know that when a new partner at a club is going down on you it’s good manners to inform them if you’re going to ejaculate. Just because someone is sucking you without a condom doesn’t mean they’ve consented to share fluids with you. So if you’re going to cum you should let them know so they can make an informed decision as to what they feel comfortable with. In my experience, nine times out of ten, advanced warning results in an enthusiastic nod of the head and sucking with additional vigor.

Why We Really Go To Sex Clubs

Swingers club picture

Plan A: Get together three to five couples for a big orgy pile.

Plan B: have a foursome with another couple.

Plan C: have an MFM threesome … or, preferably, serial MFMs for as long as my wife can take them.

This is our playbook for going to sex clubs. But no matter what play is called, the primary objective is always the same: to connect with each other and have a memorable time.

At the very least we will get naked in a room full of other naked people and have incredible sex with each other.

We like the swinger’s / sex clubs. It’s what we do for fun on Saturday nights.

We like getting dressed up in matching costumes, strategizing, looking for partners together, executing, and simply finding out what happens.

Each time we go to a sex club we know that something is going to happen — something that’s either going to be really sexy or really funny.

Both are wins in our book.

Swinging — perhaps more than anything else — makes my wife and I feel as if we’re on the same team.

The longer you’re with someone the more important this becomes.

A Complete Guide To Gangbangs


Note: While you can have a gangbang with someone from any gender / sexual orientation being both the center-person(s) and the gang, I will focus this article on gangbangs that feature a biological female and a bunch of dudes, as this is the type that I’m most familiar with and it makes the writing vastly more streamlined. However, the rules and etiquette are universal for all genders, so feel free to substitute in your personal preferences. 

Gangbangs are one of the most common forms of sexual group play. They are typically an orgy where a central player is vastly outnumbered by suitors (the gang) who has sex with him / her either serially or at the same time.

The popularity of gangbangs are on the rise, and they have actually started to break in along the edges of the sexual mainstream. Last year, Pornhub found that the gangbang category grew in popularity by 88%, with women driving the rise, being 29% more likely to view gangbang videos than their male counterparts. While the general outside perception of this sexual scenario tend to view it as inherently misogynistic or demeaning to women, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. As Pornhub found, it is often women who are the purveyors of gangbangs, primarily with the desire to be the central player.

What is a gangbang

A gangbang has to have at least one central player and (I’d say) three people in the gang — any less than that and it’s an MFM or just a couple playing by their lonesome. However, gangbangs typically number between five to twenty+ participants, with a ratio of five to ten men per woman usually being the sweet spot. Gangbangs can also have multiple center women.

For larger gangbangs, the group may use fluffers — women who provide oral-only services — to get / keep the men ready for their turn with the center girl(s). The use of fluffers also keeps some of the pressure off of the central players and creates more of a harmonious vibe among the dudes.

Why have gangbangs

gangbang sign

The simple answer: because they’re fun. To get more complex, for the central player I think there is a drive to be the center of attention, to have multiple people trying to satisfy their every desire. For the dudes, there is of course the element of being able to have sex with a beautiful woman, but I believe there is something more to it as well, as many seem to enjoy the camaraderie and of being a part of something that’s akin to an underground society. There is also an element to gangbangs that takes our more primitive and primal desires and allows them to play out in a safe and controlled environment.

This is a take from a female perspective, from the gonewildstories subreddit:

Sure, being gangbanged is physically demanding. But for me, it was a complete mind fuck. Usually, I’m a very organized, in control woman. Not neurotic, but I’m the type of woman who is always on time, has her closet organized/sorted, and is a creature of habit. But during my gangbang, I just gave up control. Gave up my body. Gave up my mind. It wasn’t exactly free use style, but it was very liberating and freeing, just to be used as an object, a fuck doll, a hotwife. This trophy that was celebrated, used and ultimately discarded with at the end. During the gangbang, my only thoughts were to please, service and satisfy the guy(s) on hand. What they wanted, I wanted. I needed to serve my role to them. In my head, it was a complete mind fuck.

What are gangbangs like

In practice, gangbangs may play out a little differently than how someone who hasn’t experienced one would imagine. They are usually kind of playful social events full of conversation and laughter. When dealing with established gangbang groups, it’s basically a bunch of old friends getting together and hanging out with a sexy woman or two. I go to one sometimes where the event starts with everyone sitting around fully clothed playing Jeopardy together. When the show ends, we know it’s time to start banging. At some other ones, there could be football or baseball games on the TV with the event taking on the look and feel of a naked watch party. While some other ones are more calm and intimate, with some soft conversation and aftercare thrown in with the cascade of cock.

Now, there are some other ones that have the look and feel of straight up prostitution, but, while I don’t particularly have anything against this, I don’t really recommend going to them either.

Types of gangbangs

While nobody puts much stock in defining types of gangbangs and the terms that I use below are not really used by anybody in the field, there are a few distinctly different styles of gangbangs that warrant discussion.

Female-focused gangbangs

For lack of a better term, I will call them “female-focused gangbangs,” although they are just as often put on for a M/F couple as they are single women. The is a type of gangbang where the party caters to the female(s) where the men are vetted based on a set of predetermined characteristics — such as attractiveness, age, muscularity, race, height, cock size, etc. The women will often play a part in the selection process or enlist the help of a trusted gangbang group or her primary partner to do this for her. The idea is that she will be the center of attention and the men will seek to satisfy her every sexual desire. Think princess with a gaggle of hot male attendants here.

These gangbangs are generally non-commercial endeavors, and are either free or the group pitches in to cover the cost of hotel rooms, refreshments, etc.

Commercial gangbangs

Another type of gangbang is where the women are vetted based on physical appearance / other attributes and the qualifications that the men have to meet have more to do with their personality and willingness to fork over the admission fee. It is common for the women in this type of gangbang to be porn stars, Onlyfans creators, or sex workers. Yes, the women get paid and usually the organizer takes a cut as well. The price of this type of gangbang is usually in the range of $100 – $200 per party.

Informal gangbangs

A third type of gangbang is a little more informal that can take place organically at a swinger’s club, a private sex party, or simply be the result of a dude inviting over some of his buddies to be with his wife. The lines between orgy pile and gangbang can sometimes be blurred here.

Covered vs. Creampie gangbangs

Any of the above types of gangbangs can be further classified as far as if condoms are required or not … or even outright prohibited. Covered gangbangs are where all the men must wear protection for vaginal or anal penetration. A creampie gangbang is where condoms are either strongly discouraged or banned. For the latter type, participants will often need to show proof of a recent STD test or be part of an established group where each member is expected to test regularly and know their status. The object of creampie gangbangs is, yes, the creampies — so men are expected to cum fast, voluminously, and often.

No holes barred / Greek gangbangs

This is a type of gangbang where anal penetration is on the table. Double penetration (DP), where one man is in a woman’s vagina while another is in her ass, is often possible at these parties.

Bukkake / Blowbang

This is a form of gangbang where a group of men will typically stand in a circle around a kneeling woman, where they will be sucked and jerked off until they cum on her face one after another.

Gangbang etiquette – Dos and don’ts


Before a gangbang commences everybody should be informed as to the rules and what the central player’s desires and limits are. This will often be done in both the virtual communication that will happen prior to the event and then again at the beginning of the event when everyone is assembled together. This is also where men will be told what the plan is — for example, if the woman wants a special type of scene, such as being tied down, DP, etc.

But the communication should not end here. If you have a question or are unsure if something is acceptable, just ask the girl. Simply asking, “Can I cum in your mouth / on your face / on your tits” goes a long way. Communication is sexy.

Take turns

Gangbangs are usually very kinetic affairs, with dudes circling around the center girl(s), putting it in their mouths, vaginas, and butts (sometimes all at once) in succession. As, by definition, a gangbang will have more dudes than a girl can handle at any one time, taking turns is of optimal importance.

One of the worst things that you can do at a gangbang is to hog the center girl. Some dudes who are new to this sometimes don’t really understand how much time is acceptable to be active with a center girl while some other dudes seem as if they just don’t give a shit — or, perhaps worse, have seemingly deluded themselves into believing that they have some kind of special connection with the girl and that she enjoys them the most. Gangbangs are cooperative events, not a competition.

So be aware of what’s going on around you. Make sure you look around to see if other dudes are waiting. If so, keep your time in a pussy, mouth, or ass to under five minutes — you can always come back later. If no other dudes are around or they’re done and are just chilling, then take as long as you and the girl would like.

Established gangbang groups tend to be tight-knit little clubs — some going as far as to describe themselves as brotherhoods — and the name of the game is sharing. That’s what’s truly hot and that’s what were ultimately here for.

Be clean

This should go without saying, but sometimes this message isn’t understood with disastrous effects. I won’t go into detail here, but I will put it like this: one unclean person at a gangbang can ruin everything for everyone. If you’re going to a gangbang you’re going to be naked and in close proximity with other naked people, and while there’s going to be a lot of sweating and natural odors, do your best so that you’re not contributing any additional foul sights or scents. In other words, make sure you’re clean and well groomed.

Wash everything, don’t wear cologne, and TRIM YOUR PUBES AND ASS HAIR.

As a rule of thumb, have a shower be the final thing that you do before leaving for a gangbang. Even if you’ve showered earlier in the day, do it again. If you’re coming from work or from somewhere else beforehand, inquire with the host whether it would be cool to shower at the event — many are in hotel rooms, apartments, or sex clubs that have showers, and this is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged.

How to find people for a gangbang

There are a multitude of different ways to find people for a gangbang, from a dude calling over a bunch of his friends to devour his wife / girlfriend to all out clubs dedicated to hosting them.

Gangbang groups

Probably the best way to have a gangbang is to find a gangbang group in your area (or start one!). These groups can take on a variety of different styles and have a wide range of vibes. Some are full of high-fiving bros (seriously) and some are just your otherwise normal bunch of office workers, dads, and average Joes. Some are full of highly experienced, attractive, and courteous men while others seem like an X-rated parody of a Sir Mix-a-Lot video.

For female-focused bangs, the group should do all the organizing based on the preferences of the center girl(s). Usually, they have a stable of dudes ready to go. These groups can be found on Fetlife, SLS, etc. If you’re a female or couple with a gangbang fantasy reach out to a couple of them and get to know their organizers. Their quality can vary, but the good ones should be willing to do an initial platonic meeting to get to know you or invite you to come and watch one of their events to see if it’s your thing.

Yes, the guys in the gangbang matter, and finding a good group is everything:

I had an awesome time being gangbanged, if you didn’t already notice. One of the reasons why, was because the 5 guys were really cool and chill. I’m guessing it wasn’t their first time in a group sex thing. But it was mine. They were all nice, considerate, patient. No turf wars or jealously. They all made sure I was ok, comfortable and was enjoying everything. When I truly needed a break, they were all cool with it. They all knew that I was married, and they were respectful, no humiliation or anything like that. They could have been assholes and it would have been a completely different experience. But they were all blue collar, down to earth men who were just enjoying this opportunity. Plus, they weren’t Chippendales or pornstars or anything. Just average Joes, they were all bigger/larger than me.

If you’d like to have a gangbang in NYC and are looking for a good group, feel free to contact us.

If you’re a dude and you want to become a part of one of these groups, you could cold message them but it’s probably best to get into your local sex scene first, make friends, and take that where it goes. It would also help to be experienced with gangbangs first to familiarize yourself with the gangbang culture and ettiquette, and there’s no better way to do this then by going to a bunch of “commercial” bangs. The dudes in the gangbang community tend to move between different groups, so making friends and generally being cool and respectful can get you a reputation in the scene as a good prospect to invite into other groups. It may sound counter-intuitive, but getting enough quality dudes to fill a gangbang is more difficult than it seems.

Sex clubs

Many sex clubs either host gangbangs as part of the regular offerings or have dedicated gangbang events. However, I have to say that these can be a little hit or miss. Either they’re really hot or they’re really sketch. Some of the lower level, walk-in style clubs will hire girls to entertain their clientele. These girls tend to not be the most attractive and the scenes here are often not the most wholesome … I guess I’ll put it like that. While often not technically advertised as gangbangs, that’s just what happens when men vastly outnumber the women at a club where the women are on the payroll.

Have your own party

That’s right, if you’re interested in having a gangbang just put one on yourself. Put up an event listing on Fetlife, SLS, the appropriate subreddit, or a similar site or simply invite dudes that you’ve met previously at other kink events, get a hotel room or host in your home, and have your party your way.

Final words

Gangbangs have been some of the most memorable experiences that I’ve had in the swinging / kink world and I highly recommend them to anyone who has played with that fantasy. But I will warn you, the all out endorphin rush of a good gangbang can become addictive …

How Often Should Swingers Get Tested For STDs?

Woman hiding

It was that time of year. STD testing time. It’s a routine part of the swing lifestyle … the duty of the proudly promiscuous. I made my appointment at the Chelsea Sexual Health Clinic, showed up, and submitted my samples.

Each time I visit an STD clinic I’m struck by how friendly the people working in them tend to be. Whereas when you give blood the people often treat you like you’re some kind of chore, when you go in to renew the inspection sticker on your genitalia the staff acts as if you’re doing something for the good of humanity. Don’t fear the STI clinic.

How often should swingers get tested for STIs?

It had been a good six months since my last STI panel. I usually aim for bi-annual checks. While this is less than what’s recommended for someone having new partners at my frequency (I average around a new partner per week), I haven’t had a positive STD result yet. The same goes for my wife, who is on a similar pace as me.

However, while my wife and I have many new partners we usually don’t engage in very risky behavior with them. We’re cool with giving and receive oral without a condom. Blowjobs, cunnilingus, analingus, we go raw. However, when having penetrative — vaginal or anal — sex with other partners we usually use protection.

This seems to be the swinger standard. That said, every once in a while we have a partner who likes to wrap up everything for everything (including one who doesn’t even finger women without a latex glove) or a couple that prefers everything raw, most swingers tend to follow the oral=no condom, penetration=condom guideline.

However, there are some exceptions to this for us — as there probably are for everyone. For example, my wife recently had unprotected sex with one of her regular partners … and every once in a while she gets carried away and ends up creampied.

So I’ll put it like this: swinging is a hobby, and like nearly all hobbies comes with some degree of risk. You don’t climb mountains, travel internationally, or even powerlift risk-free. The things in life that get your heart pumping tend to also be things that can harm you. The game here is balancing risk and reward.

That said, how often you get tested for STDs is obviously directly connected to how risky your behavior is. If you’re regularly going to creampie gangbangs, then you may want to get tested monthly. If you’re including raw dude-on-dude sex into your repertoire, then maybe every 1-3 months would be good. But if you’re just doing the average swinger’s fare, then I feel as if a couple times a year is good.

Even the CDC only recommends that us sluts get tested every 3-6 months. 

However, there is an obvious elevated risk of STIs when it comes to swinging. A study published by BMC Infectious Diseases showed that swingers generally have no idea about the sexual behaviors of their partners and greatly underestimate their rates of STIs. In the study, participants were only correct about their partners’ STD statuses 22% of the time. While a Dutch study found that swingers — particularly those 45+ — had a slightly higher incidence of STIs.

Some swingers claim to get tested monthly, but I think this is mostly them patting themselves on the back — it’s mighty good virtue singling to have “tested monthly” written on their SLS profiles. Condoms are incredibly effective and the risk of getting anything from oral sex, in my experience, is low.

The herpes paradox

The thing about herpes is that you may as well assume that just about everyone in the swing community has it — whether they’re aware of it or not. I’ve been tested for it before, but it’s not a usual part of most STI panels. A couple of screenings ago I asked the doctor about this and he just laughed. “We don’t do that here,” he said. “The test is really inaccurate and basically just says everyone is positive.”

The medical consensus seems to be that HSV is so common and the tests are so poor that it’s not even worth checking for — even the CDC doesn’t recommend testing for it. Nearly 70% of the people in the world carry HSV-1, which is commonly known as cold sores and occur in the mouth but can also infect the genitals. While HSV-2 — aka genital herpes — is carried by one out of every six people in the US between the ages of 14 and 49 … and 90% of those infected have no idea they have it and probably never will.

What’s interesting is that genital herpes actually wasn’t stigmatized until the 1980s — before that it wasn’t even really considered an STD. Then in 1982 the FDA approved a drug for genital herpes and its manufacturer began a public relations campaign engineered to stigmatize the infection enough to coerce people into seeking treatment — i.e. give them money. It was probably one of the most successful PR blitzes ever undertaken, as it took a condition that nobody really cared about for literally hundreds of years and turned it into a new form of plague. Throughout the 80s Herpes was even making the cover of Time magazine, with headlines like “Herpes: The New Sexual Leprosy” and “The new scarlet letter: Herpes.”

I’ve known women who have needlessly had their sexual lives severely stunted and potentially promising relationships not started because they had herpes and thought everyone would think they were disgusting. They would rarely pursued sex, and when the time came had to bust out with a very uncomfortable “Wait, I have something to tell you.” When I was in my 20s I had three partners in a row who revealed that they had herpes, which caused me to do a deep dive into it, and this is what I found:

The stigma surrounding herpes is bullshit and it should be regarded as what it is: a relatively minor skin infection that almost everyone has some form of which usually doesn’t require medical treatment.

Where to get tested for STIs?

Where you should get tested for STDs is dependent on where you live and the availability of sex clinics, your medical insurance, and how quickly you want the results. I usually go to public sexual health clinics, where you can get tested for free and get the results either the same day or in one to two days. Just enter your zip code here to find one near you.


That said, getting regularly tested for STIs is an important part of swinging. It is not uncommon to be asked about your status or when your last test was by prospective partners, and being able to answer confidently that you were recently tested shows that you not only care about yourself, but them, and the broader swinging community. This puts minds at ease and opens gateways — figuratively as well as literally.

The Benefit Of Sexy Costumes For Swinger’s Parties

Swinger's party

While on vacation at Temptation Cancun we met a couple from Houston who completely changed our perspective on costuming for sex parties. They went all out with their costumes — sometimes with the dude wearing nothing more than a well-placed sheath and a Zorro mask. We complimented them on it, and they explained their strategy:

“She dresses me like this so that I attract people to us,” he said with a laugh.

I actually started talking with them a couple of nights before by pointing out something about his costume. We all ended up having sex that night, then two more times during the course of our stay — including a four couple orgy. If it wasn’t for his costume attracting my attention there’s a good chance that all of our sexy fun wouldn’t have happened. Apparently, his costume did its job.

After that experience, my wife and I decided try going all-in on our costuming for swingers parties.

Up until that point, she’d just get dressed in sexy lingerie and maybe a short black leather skirt and I’d wear … a tight black t-shirt and some black skinny jeans. I wasn’t much for costumes, you could say. Or perhaps I was just too embarrassed to wear one, didn’t know what to wear, or felt that they weren’t manly enough or something. Men are sometimes tripped up by their masculinity and taking themselves too seriously, and I fell into this pitfall.

Many men in the swinger community seem to feel the same as I felt, and it’s not uncommon to be at a party full of women in ultra-erotic, sexy costumes and dudes wearing … lumberjack shirts and blue jeans or even sweatsuits (seriously). The dudes may think they’re maintaining face but in reality they are kind of ostracizing themselves … or at the very least not drawing people towards them.

Guests not in costume also disrupts the feel of a party. Sex parties aren’t only to have sex — you could just rent out a hotel room and invite some people from SLS over if this was all you wanted — but are also about creating these alternate universes that seem completely removed from the outside world. When you step into a good erotic club it’s like crossing a gateway into this other domain that has its own rules, practices, and possibilities … and a dress code is a big factor in creating this. Nearly every traditional or primitive culture uses / has used costuming in a similar way. There is just something buried in the human psyche that switches gears when in an environment where people are costumed in a particular way.

In other words, to be too cool for a costume is to break the illusion for everyone …

What we usually go for is a cross between funny and sexy, while trying to get our costumes to thematically match. For a space themed party we went as Buzz Lightyear and some cute thing from pizza planet. For a beach themed party we went as a lifeguard and a shark bite victim. For a nautical themed party we went as pirates…

The matching here is particularly important. When at parties, my wife and I go together. We’re a team. So it makes sense that we should be dressed in the same uniform. But matching our costumes also give us another opportunity for little storylines or humor. For example, for one party I dressed as a construction worker and my wife dressed as a road … so I could lay her.

Another benefit of costuming for swinger’s parties is that they’re just fun. They give you something to prepare and shop for with your partner. They give you something to talk about together. They help build the excitement leading up to an event.

We usually find our costumes on Amazon or Shein and basically just do a search for “[Party theme] sexy costume” or something similar. I’ve gotten multiple costumes from Roma. Every once in a while we go to a good sex shop and check out their costume section or to browse for additional accessories.

When it comes to mating — which is what swinging is a sporting mock-up of — standing out is far better than blending in. And costumes give you the perfect opportunity to do this. A good costume will draw people towards you, be a good conversation starter, and help you break the ice with couples you may want to head to a play room with. So don’t be afraid to go all-in with your costume — the more revealing, funny, sexy, the better.

This Is The Best Exercise For Better Sex

Woman squatting

Lifting heavy shit or doing other strenuous or heart-pumping exercise a few times a week is absolutely vital for optimal sexual performance.

While a muscular, X-shaped physique or a lean mid-section with a banging ass will boost your level of attractiveness and probably get you more partners, it will also positively impact how well you are able to perform once the action begins, as well as put your libido into overdrive. Your level of fitness has a major impact on your cardiovascular system, blood flow, and your hormonal balance — all of which are essential to being able to optimally get it on for both men and women.

While nearly all compound exercises will boost testosterone, elevate health, and improve sexual fitness, the one that is by far the most effective is … the squat.

The reason for this is simple: the squat contracts your midsection and strengthens the glutes, quads, pelvic floor, hamstrings, and inner thighs — the same region where your genitals are. By doing squats you are effectively pumping more blood into this region, which in turn supplies more blood to the genitals, improving erections for both men and women as well as your ability to last. In fact, same artery that provides blood flow to the glutes, pelvic floor, and adductors provides blood flow to the penis and clitoris. These systems are inseparably intertwined, and if you want to get the full potential out of your sex parts, get your ass to grass …

How to squat

Man squatting

There are different variations of the squat, which we will look into here, and I highly recommend having a few different types in your weekly workout routine.

I’ve made the squat one of my foundational exercises, and I usually do variations of it three days per week. Two days in the gym, with a barbell and on a machine, and one day at home using dumbbells and a kettlebell.

The back squat

Back squat

The back squat is where you load up a barbell on a squat rack, put it over your traps and shoulders, and drop down until your ass breaks the plane of your knees and then stand back up. It really works your glutes, hamstrings, and quads, pumping blood right into your lower core, keeping the pathways to your genitals properly engorged.

I usually back squat with a barbell twice a week, doing eight sets each time, and once on a machine, doing five sets. Every time I thrust upwards I also clench my kegals and imagine blood being pumped into my groin area as though from an antique well.

This is how to do a proper back squat:

The front squat

Front squat

Front squats are similar to back squats except that you hold the bar across your shoulders in front of your neck. This type of squat focuses more on the quads rather than the glutes.

How to front squat:

The goblet squat

Goblet squatThis is a squat that can either be done with a dumbbell or a kettlebell — I usually go for the latter. You bring the weight of choice up to your chest and then squat with it held stationary.

The clutch thing about a goblet squat is that they are easy to perform just about anywhere that you have some mobile weight. Whenever I get some time on days off from the gym I swing up the kettlebell and start doing some goblet squats.

This is also a good exercise to take on the road with you. When in a hotel, just grab your backpack or suitcase, bring it up to your chest, and start squatting.

How to do a goblet squat:

The box squat

A box squat is like a back squat but only you come down onto a bench or box before standing back up. The big benefit of the box squat is that it really works the lower part of the motion, which is a weak point for many lifters.

How to do a box squat:

Split squats

Split squatSplit squats are a type of single leg squat that you can do with dumbbells. You just put dumbbells into one or both hands, put one leg back on a bench or low chair / couch, etc, and then squat down, working one leg at a time.

This is another easy exercise to do at home. No gym needed.

How to do a split squat:

If you only do one exercise, make sure it’s the squat. While more pecs may mean more sex, to actually boost performance you should be squatting, squatting, squatting. All of this kinda makes sense, as the squat motion is … a little bit like humping.

It’s never too late to start getting fit and nobody is a lost cause. If you’re having difficulties with this or have given up hope, get in touch with me directly.

Q&A: How To Find An Online Mutual Masturbation Partner

Erotic grapefruit

We were recently asked the following question on our Twitter channel:

“I thoroughly enjoy your platform Thank you .. as a virile single (& yes lonely) man do you have any tips or leads as to how to find a online female (Blue eyes only) masturbation buddy”

First of all, I have to say that I recommend against men masturbating. It rewires our minds and can get us locked into that form of sexual stimulation, which can have an adverse impact if we suddenly want to be with other people. That said, if mutual masturbation is your end goal, then go for it.

These are the steps that I would recommend taking to find an online mutual masturbation partner:

As you are looking for a virtual connection rather than one in real life, there is no need to bother with courtship protocols like meeting first at a bar and all that. Location is also irrelevant. You can just jump right to it, meet people anywhere in the world, and keep the entire engagement completely virtual. This makes things significantly easier.

My first step would be to try out some of the swinger / dating apps that have platforms for groups, forums, or for posting classifieds.

I believe the best for this would be Swing Lifestyle, otherwise known as SLS. This is probably the largest swinging community on the planet, with over 10,000 new members joining each week. They provide the option to create a profile to show who you are and what you’re about, contact members privately, post on their forums, as well as publish what they call a “hot date,” which is basically a classified ad.

Their forum and hot date options would probably be best to try to find what you’re looking for. So I would sign up with them, make a really good profile where you clearly state that you’re looking for a mutual masturbation partner, post some good photos of yourself, a story or two that explains why you’re looking for a partner for this activity, and then start connecting with people: hit the forums and start posting hot dates.

You can check it out here.

Fetlife could also be a good option for finding a virtual mutual masturbation partner. This is an entire social network dedicated to all flavors of kink that has a critical mass of users. In other words, if you can’t find someone who’s into what you are here, you’ll probably not be able to find it anywhere. Sign up, build a good profile, and then start browsing the groups section — there are tons of communities here dedicated to masturbation. If you ever hit the end of this, don’t be shy about contacting other users who you may like to do this with. Just be respectful and … for a lack of a better term, normal. You should be able to find what you’re looking for here.

Another option would be a site like Chaturbate. The entire idea of this site is virtual mutual masturbation, so you should be able to find what you’re looking for here without needing to go through all the preliminaries. I’d simply sign up, get some tokens, find a girl you like, and then click the option to go into a private chat room. Once in a private room you can click on the cam to cam option and broadcast yourself as well.

You can check it out here.

Let us know how this works out for you and what you decide to do. Have fun!

Walk Slow,



Sex On The Beach Party

Beach party costume

A big part of the fun of going to sex parties is preparing for them.

My wife takes responsibility for that, as she hunts through Amazon, Sheen, and other sites looking for creative, unique, and, most importantly, sexy costumes that fit the theme of the party we’re going to next. Through the entire process we’re talking about it, picking things out, and coming up with ideas. I suppose you can call it an extended form of foreplay … it keeps us engaging with each other, giving complements, and getting mutually excited for the upcoming event.

For us, swinging is a hobby. It’s something that we do to take our minds off our work and our other obligations and passions. It’s something to get our synapses firing. It’s something that we do to bond over, share together, and connect through. It’s really not much different than if we were mountaineers or deep sea divers or Pokemon players … except that our intrigue is probably one of the most exciting activities in the entire repertoire of human experience. Sex with new people — especially publicly — is intense. And intense experiences is what brings people closer together. And the planning, preparing, and costuming is a way to stretch the experience out from five our six hours on Saturday night to everyday of the week.

Costumes are also a really good strategy for attracting prospective partners to you, breaking the ice, and making the connections which can lead to wild orgies and otherwise fun sex.

The theme for the party that we were preparing for was “sex on the beach” … and I dressed as a lifeguard with a red pair of tight trunks (lovingly referred to as a banana hammock) and my wife was … a shark bite victim, and wore a one-piece bathing suit that had a big shark bite taking out of the mid-section. The idea was that I was supposed to save her (which is actually one of her fantasies …), but how well I did based on her condition is up for debate.

We arrived at the party around an hour after it began. You don’t want to arrive too early because it’s kind of stiff and awkward. But you don’t want to arrive too late as many people will already be partnered or finished. We found that one hour after start time is usually good, as it gives you a chance to meet people, plant the seeds of interest, and invite them to join you in a playroom later on in the night.

We entered the party and went to the basement to take off our outer clothes and get into costume. Once set we got a drink and headed to the dance floor, saying hi to some friends along the way.

My wife and I had spent nearly all of our adult lives perpetually traveling. We’d go from city to city, country to country, making fast friends but never really becoming a part of any community. NYC is the first place we’ve ever really stayed for a while, and the groups of friends that we’ve built in the kink communities here is really something new for us and is another integral benefit of … being sluts.

Dancing is often a core part of sex parties, but is something that I’m very, very not good at. I can remember dancing with a girl one time thinking I was doing a good job and having her look me square in the face and ask, “Can you feel music?”

Yeah, not my thing. But it’s something that I’ve come to terms with the fact that I need to get better at. Swinging means that you never leave the mating pool as you continuously compete for mates, and dancing is one of the primary ways that humans traditionally engage and evaluate prospective partners.

My wife danced. I tried. We coyly checked out the scene. We fell into conversation with a couple dancing near us. The dude was from the US and the girl was from Russia. They were new to the scene — this was his second party and her first. We’re not particularly opposed to hooking up with new people — we actually did just this a couple parties ago — but there was something that just wasn’t clicking. Could have been the fact that the girl didn’t really seem to speak English and was showing signs of being a little shellshocked by the scene. The dude was good looking but wasn’t really the pinnacle of what my wife is looking for.

My wife’s range is very wide when it comes to dudes that she’d like to sexually engage with, but there is a certain type that she likes most: something of a cross between an NFL player and an underwear model. She doesn’t need to find her preferred type to have a good time — the entire point of this is just to have an exciting and memorable time together — but she kind of likes to swing for it during the early stages of a party.

So we walked around a little more, checking out the scene, and took up a spot by the fire pit that runs through the center of one of the hang out rooms. Then we were spotted. A good looking, tall, bearded dude came bouncing over to us with a big smile on his face. I recognized him. He was the dude who stood my wife up on a date a year and a half ago because he fell asleep. I brought that up immediately and we laughed it off. He was there with two of his partners, one of which was there with another male date. All were extremely attractive … and it was looking like the stage may have been getting set for some group play.

Ideally, when at parties we like groups of three or four couples + any singles who would like to join … in other words, orgies. We prefer this setup because it allows people to move fluidly from person to person and nobody is ever locked in with anyone. My wife has been in awkward situations in the past where she wanted to disengage with a partner but couldn’t find anywhere else to go … During an orgy there is always somewhere else to go — participants tend to engage with each other for a short amount of time and move on to someone else, and then, if they want, cycle back. It’s a very free, natural, and low pressure way of engaging in sex … not to mention, fun.

So I made the proposition and they said they were interested.

We parted ways and we continued making the rounds and when it felt like a good time to start playing we returned to them and my wife asked them if they’d like to join us … and we all went down to the play area in the basement.

We found an empty area in a corner of the room on the futons that are laid out on the floor kind of like wrestling mats in a gym. We began by everybody engaging their date, we undressed, and soon began cycling. There are few things that I can think of that’s more exhilarating than this.

After it was over my wife wanted to keep going with one of the dudes, so we transitioned to an MFM as the others headed back to the hang out floor. This particular guy had a very impressive attribute: his cock was probably the largest that either of us have ever seen in real life. It was nearly as thick as mine and probably two inches longer  … a legitimate 9″ x 6.5″, I’d estimate. My wife enjoys cocks of all sizes, but especially likes the really big ones … and the dude was really tall, lean, and bearded. He was what she swings for, and I think it’s really hot when she gets what she likes.

She orgasmed twice with him.

After that, my wife and I engaged with each other alone for a little while … kind of reconnecting. That’s what we usually do to end the night … but we didn’t really want to go pack it in yet. So we went upstairs to the kitchen and got some food.

When I first began going to sex clubs many years ago in Prague I was initially taken aback about how there would be spreads of food available. I didn’t know that was a staple of sex clubs at that time and I found it a little interesting, as people would move right from the play rooms to the eating area … sometimes floppy cocks would be dangling right over the platters of cheese and salami … But now it’s become something that I really appreciate. After having sex with multiple people for hours the thing that you want most is to just sit down and devour a heaping big plate of food, chill out with your partner, and take a moment to fully grasp everything that had just taken place.

We finished eating, reconnected with each other, and then went to the mirror room to end the night.

Why Penises Are Getting Longer

Penis measuring

To the joy of my wife, human penises are getting longer all over the world. That is, according to a study that appeared last month in The World Journal of Men’s Health.

A research team lead by Michael Eisenberg, a professor of urology at Stanford Medicine, looked through 75 studies on penis size that were done between 1942 and 2021 on nearly 56,000 dudes. What they discovered was fascinating: that the average erect penile length is now 14 cm, a 24% increase over the past 29 years.

“Erect length increased significantly over time (QM=4.49, df=2, p=0.04) in several regions of the world and across all age groups, while no trends were identified in other penile size measurements. After adjusting for geographic region, subject age, and subject population; erect penile length increased 24% over the past 29 years.”

As far as any appendage is concerned, nearly a quarter increase in length over such a short period of time is remarkable — especially when it comes to one that is designed to be inserted into other people.

What influences penis size?

Penis sizes can be impacted by many factors — sexual selection over time, health and diet, but also environmental exposures. As we previously covered, the average testosterone level in men has been plummeting over the past few decades, as has sperm count. Meanwhile, incidences of male genital birth defects have been increasing. Contrasting the general trend of longer penises, micropenises — those that are under 2.5″ erect — are also becoming more common. There is something going on with male genitalia in the 21st century.

Eisenberg theorized that the rapid increase in penile length may be due to environmental factors, such as exposure to cosmetics, pesticides, and other chemicals, especially those related to plastics. While this would explain for such a drastic jump in size, the indicators of such exposure typically leads to smaller penises, not longer ones.

When I read about these findings of a 24% increase in penis length since the mid-nineties, these were my thoughts as to why this may be:

Inconsistent measurements?

My first thought when I read about this study was that it was more probable that the measurements / measuring protocols of some of the earlier studies to have been off than there was for the average human penis to get a quarter longer in such a short period of time. There are plenty of different ways to measure a penis: fully erect, bone-pressed, not bone-pressed, stretched, from the top, from the side … with each giving very different results.

However, this doesn’t seem to be the case with this one, as the researchers threw out 7,850 papers because they didn’t meet their strict measurement criteria, leaving them with just 75 studies from which to track penile length over time. So it seems as if penises may very well be getting significantly longer very quickly.

Sexual selection?

Humans have by far the largest penises in terms of volume in the primate world — both in raw size and size compared to height. For this distinction we have women to thank. Sexual selection is the primary driver of penis size in primates, and we can see remarkable differences in primate species where females have a role in the selection of mates and species where they don’t have this power.

The best example here is probably contrasting gorillas with bonobos and chimps. Gorillas are by far the largest primate by body size … but they also happen to have one of the smallest penises — coming in at around 3-6 cm erect. Meanwhile, the drastically smaller chimps and bonobos have erect penises that can range from 8 to 18 cm. Gorillas also have penises that are inconspicuous not only because of their size but color as well, as they are black and blend right into their fur. On the other end of the primate spectrum, chimps and bonobos have brightly colored penises that stand out, literally, as they intentionally display them to attract females.

The primary reason for this is a difference in mating patterns. Gorillas live in groups where there is a single male and a harem of females who the male does not need to compete for based on his sexual attributes … and the females do not have a choice of males. While chimps and bonobos live in multimale-multifemale types of communities, where both males and females sexually engage with many different members of the community and females have a big say in who they have sex with … and often decide based on sexual qualifications (i.e. penis size).

Ancestrally speaking, humans are more like chimps and bonobos, and “it has been theorised that ancestral hominid females sought out males who would sexually satisfy them. Through the mechanism of sexual selection, this will have increased penis size and altered structure,” wrote Carole Jahme in the Guardian.

“This unique adaptation is thought to have been selected through female mate choice, and by the time Homo erectus arrived on the scene, the hominid penis was significantly longer, fatter and more bendy than our ape cousins’… But the larger human penis suggests that hominids needed to keep females with choice sexually satisfied.”

There is also a theory that humans began walking upright to show off our penises to potential mates … While that seems a little far fetched — us dudes are probably not that into our dicks — it’s not difficult to see how this evolutionary adaption, where the penis is proudly put on display via anatomic positioning, could have put more of an emphasis on size as a selection criteria.

When extrapolated to modern times, humans are again returning to having visual representations of the penis being a primary criteria for sexual selection. Up until recently, the size of a man’s package was often an unknown until after intimacy begins — and sometimes not even until some form of a committed relationship was established. Now a dick pic is a customary part of the courtship process. In a 2017 Skyn Condoms survey of millennials, it was discovered that 42% of men send at least one naked picture of themselves to potential / current mates each week and half of the respondents claim to sext weekly. I’d say that I often exchange nudes with women that I meet on dating apps within one or two days of connecting. In other words, we now get to see the goods before committing to have sex and I strongly believe that penis size is a major selection criteria — kind of like it is for chimpanzees.

Men are perhaps obsessed with their penis size because deep down we instinctively know that it’s an evolutionary criteria for sexual selection.

While this could be a factor for the increasing of penis size moving forward, it doesn’t really explain the increase of the past 29 years, as the people reporting now would have had to of been conceived prior to the start of the smartphone era …

Better diet and lifestyle?

My main guess as to why average penis length is rapidly increasing is a whole less sexy than sexual selection: better diet. Over the past 30 years many regions of the world have seen not only an increase in penis size but also body height and mass.

29 years is the rough timeline of three era shifting developments: globalization, urbanization, and the internet. Rather suddenly, people all over the world began having access to different types of food, more nutrition, and a better knowledge of health.

This is clearly represented in the growth charts of countries like China, where the average height of a man increased by over three inches in the past 34 years. This was primarily due to better nutrition — i.e. access to animal foods like milk, eggs, and meat; things that most Chinese people rarely consumed through most of the 20th century.

Exercise, less arduous lifestyles, and a better health consciousness are also factors at play here. Intentional exercise and the gym is also something that’s new for many emerging markets in the world, as is masses of people converting to white collar, urban lifestyles that don’t destroy their bodies as much, as is an all-round better knowledge of what is considered healthy living. These all have major impacts on health and hormone levels, which in turn play a major role in body size and composition … which includes penis size.

Map of increased height around the world from 1985 to 2019:

Map of increased height

It would only stand to reason that if men’s bodies have grown substantially over the past three decades then so too have their penises.

The authors of the The World Journal of Men’s Health paper queried that rapidly increasing penis sizes may be a cause for concern … not according to my wife.

Why I Sit Naked In The Sun Every Morning


My only requirement for an apartment in New York City was an east facing window in the bedroom, preferably on the top floor of a building. I didn’t care about anything else — neighborhood, location, amenities or lack thereof — because and east facing window is by far the most important thing to me. Why? Because I sit naked in the sun each morning.

By profession, I’m a journalist, author, and documentary filmmaker. Needless to say, I spend a lot of time sitting at a laptop. This is by far the most unhealthy thing that I do … but professions tend to not be very healthy things to begin with. To make amends with my body for hours each day of sitting stationary, I try to do so in direct sunlight with the window open.


Sunlight boosts testosterone, synthesizes vitamin D, improves metabolism, bolsters mitochondrial function, limits the chances of multiple diseases, and basically makes you physically and mentally your best.

Humans have evolved in the sun, and even though we have things like solid roofs and walls, air conditioning and heat, sunscreen, smartphones, and Netflix we’re still the same dumb biological entities we’ve always were … and still need sunlight.

Sunlight and testosterone

Testosterone is essential for both male and female health. This is especially true when it comes to sex, as testosterone is a primary driver of libido in both sexes. If you’re a male and are into the swinging lifestyle, having adequate T levels is especially vital, as it plays a role in your ability to perform, the size of your testes, degree of musculature, metabolism, and overall physical appearance.

What’s more, the average testosterone levels in men has been generationally plummeting. In a study by the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism, it was found that average testosterone levels are declining at a whopping 1% per year — so a 30-year-old in 2020 has 10% less T than a 30-year-old did in 2010. While a study by the American Urological Association found that testosterone levels of the average American male dropped 25% between 1999 and 2016 alone. Men are also weaker now than they were in the recent past, as a study in the Journal of Hand Therapy showed a 16% reduction in grip strength among 20- to 34-year-old men between 1985 and 2016.

This is all to say, there is something going on in our lifestyle, diet, and environment that’s sapping the testosterone right out of us. So we need to take our T where we can get it, and the sun is a free source of it, sitting right there in the sky for 8 to 12 hours everyday.

Sunlight is well-known to increase testosterone levels in humans. A 2021 study demonstrated the effect of UVB rays on our hormones, showing that men who got 20-30 minutes of sun a few times a week had significantly higher T:

“In an 2021 Instagram post about the study, Huberman posted, “It appears the skin is acting as a hormone-promoting organ to exert these effects.” Huberman wrote. “[The] p53 [gene] in keratinocyte skin cells can activate the pituitary gland and hypothalamus if the skin is exposed to ample sunlight (UV-B light in particular…). That in turn, causes increases in LH/FSH that trigger testosterone, estradiol and progesterone.

In other words: When your skin is exposed to the sun, skin cells called keratinocytes (common skin cells) trigger the pituitary gland. The pituitary gland releases follicle stimulating hormone (FHS) and luteinizing hormone (LH), the latter of which stimulates testosterone production in the testes.””

Meanwhile, a study on published in Cell Reports showed that UVB exposure on mice induced enhanced sexual responsiveness, attractiveness in females, more male-female interactions, increased examples of romantic passion, and boosted T levels in the males.

They then wanted to find out if these findings were consistent in humans. It turned out they were: when exposed to sunlight, both men and women experienced a significant increase in testosterone, other sex hormones, and reported more passionate desires.

As we all know, sunlight drives the production of vitamin D in the skin. But did you also know that vitamin D boosts testosterone?

In 2015, the American Urological Association discovered that vitamin D and testosterone are inseparably linked. When vitamin D is processed by the liver it pings the testes to release more free testosterone. In multiple studies, it has been shown that dudes with subpar testosterone levels usually always have subpar vitamin D, and dudes with adequate testosterone have adequate vitamin D.

When put into practice, it has been revealed that in the northern hemisphere, testosterone levels peak between July and August. And you know what? People have more sex in the summertime too.

I’m not sure if I need to write any more than that …

The other benefits of sunlight

Besides testosterone, there are other sexual benefits of sunlight. There is a direct link between exposure to the sun and lower blood pressure, as well as less morbidity from cardiovascular problems: “They suggest that exposure to sunlight triggers the skin to release stores of nitrogen oxides, which cause arteries to dilate, lowering blood pressure, and may reduce the impact of metabolic syndrome.”

Good cardiovascular health is essential for good sexual health, especially for men.

And then there’s the fact that sun exposure improves metabolism, which is a big part of looking fit … and looking fit is a big part of attracting mates.

How much sunlight?

I’m not the kind of guy who goes around timing his sun exposure, weighing his food, and counting his steps. But to ballpark it, I generally sit in the morning sun for one to three hours each day, turning myself like a rotisserie chicken, while I write on my laptop. But you actually don’t need as much sun as this, as many people say that 20-30 minutes of direct sunlight each day will do it.

So if you don’t live a lifestyle where you work and recreate outside each day, make sure you find a sunny window, open it, strip down, hang out for a while, and boost your sex hormones a cheap, easy, and natural way.

A Complete Guide To Threesomes


Have you ever fantasized about having a threesome? You’re not alone. Statistically speaking, most Americans have. What’s more, many have actually done them before, and an ever-growing number has made the threesome a regular part of their sexual repertoire.

A 2017, Match.com survey found that 62% of single Americans (81% of men and 47% of women) were interested in having a threesome with two people of the opposite sex and 39% were interested in one where someone was of the same sex. While Justin Lehmiller did two surveys where nearly a third of the respondents claimed to have had a threesome before. This number is higher than that a research paper published in PLOS One, which found that 10% of women and 18% of men in the US had experienced a threesome. Whatever the case, it is clear that group sex is no longer an underground sexual endeavor — the threesome has gone mainstream.

For many couples, a threesome is their first foray into non-monogamy. While my wife and I first started swinging by having sex with other people on our own, our first experiences with group sex together was with an additional dude (a setup that’s probably still my wife’s favorite today).

When I refer to threesomes here, I’m talking about scenes where all three participants are actively involved. I’m not talking about cuckolding or cuckqueaning, where one participant just watches — we’ll talk about that later.

Types of threesomes


There are multiple types of multi-gender threesomes (MGT), and they are often denoted with acronyms like MFM, FFM, FMF, MMF, with the middle letter being the fluid party.

However, while we have these acronyms outlining threesome positioning, you probably shouldn’t put much weight on them, as in the real world people often don’t use them properly and aren’t hemmed in by them even when they do. Acronyms shouldn’t take the place of clear communication, and you should still express what you want and what your limits are to ensure you’re going to have the experience you’re looking for.

To someone unfamiliar with MGT, it may seem remarkable how hetero they can be. In practice, they can be either bi or hetero, with the latter working by having two participants rotating around the third without sexually engaging each other. This is actually extremely common for MFM threesomes, where bi play is a little more stigmatized.

That said, use your imagination with threesomes, as the potential positioning for them is nearly endless.


MFM is one of the most common types of threesomes, and it features a woman in the middle who is engaged (i.e. penetrated) concurrently by two dudes. Anatomically, this setup works extremely well, and my wife and I do these often.

Variations of the spitroast is probably the go-to position for a hetero MFM, with one dude inserted in the woman’s vagina or ass while the other is in her mouth. This can be done with the woman on her knees, back, or side. While the terminology for this position makes my wife cringe, it’s by far her favorite.

Another common MFM position is DVP (double vaginal penetration), which features two men inserting their cocks into a woman’s vagina at the same time. These usually happen with the woman straddling one of the guys cowgirl and the other guy coming up from behind. This can also be done reverse cowgirl, where she leans back and the third guy enters her vagina from the front.

In either scenario, one guy will usually enter first and then the other will slowly ride his cock in as he penetrates. Or the girl will grab both cocks, squeeze them together, and insert them at the same time.

This is probably my favorite threesome position, as you are not only stimulated by an ultra-stretched vagina but also the other dude’s cock.

DP (double penetration) is where one guy is in the woman’s vagina and the other is in her ass. The positioning is usually the same as a DVP, although this can also be done with the girl laying on her side (like in the movie Doom Generation). I believe this works best when the anal partner inserts first. One important thing to know about DP is that the cocks should be moving in opposition to each other — so one is thrusting in while other is pulling out — as if they are moving in unison the chances of slipping our are greater (and I’ve also been told that it’s a little too intense for the woman, but can’t confirm this).


FMF is another very popular form of threesome. An FMF is similar to an MFM, only with two women rather than two men. Common positions are a double blow job or double cowgirl, where one girl rides the dude’s cock while the other fucks his face.



An MMF is usually with two bi-dudes and a woman. A doggy train, where one dude penetrates the other from behind as he penetrates the girl doggystyle, is a good position to try for this setup. A is the human centipede, where everyone lines up on their knees and gives analigus to the person in front of them. Many of the positions for MFM also apply here.


FFM is usually a threesome with two bi-women and a dude. Some good positions for this setup are:

The oral triangle, where all three participants go down on each other concurrently in the shape of a triangle. This can also be done for all threesome setups.

A 69 + 1, where the two women do a 69 with one on top of the other and the dude penetrates the top partner vaginally or anally.

One girl being fucked from behind while she goes down on the other girl.

Or one girl wearing a strap on and doing the positions of an MFM or MMF.

Again, don’t get hung up on the positioning of the letters in the acronym and communicate what you want and your limits. Sometimes hetero couples who are not looking for bi play will use MMF or FFM and bi couples who would like everyone to engage each other will use MFM and FMF. The acronyms shouldn’t be thought of anything more than a rough starting point … or props for discussing the various types of threesomes.

Threesomes – a good place to start

If you and your partner are thinking of becoming non-monogamous, a threesome is probably the best place to start. It allows you to get comfortable with multiple people in the bedroom, seeing your partner with another person, and processing the emotions that come with swinging. Threesomes are pretty low stakes endeavors — only one additional person is involved, they are relatively easy to arrange, and the vetting process is usually far simpler than meeting another couple for a foursome or having an orgy.

Threesomes also allow you to move into swinging gradually so you can start developing your strategy one step at a time. There’s a lot that goes into being non-monogamous, and it’s not really something that most couples can jump into and be good at right away. It’s going to take time, you’re going to make mistakes, you are going to try new things and figure out what you like and what you don’t. There’s a lot of communication that’s involved, a lot of decision making on the fly, and a lot of trying out new ways to reconnect with each other after extracurricular forays. But all of this takes practice, and threesomes are a good way to begin stepping into these waters.

How to arrange a threesome

There are myraid ways to arrange a threesome, but the main ways are using an app / website, going to a swinger’s club, prowling at a bar / conventional club, or bringing in someone you already know.


The number of apps that are now available for finding partners for threesomes really shows how they’re exploding in popularity. There’s literally dozens of them — so many that it’s actually become kind of ridiculous. There’s Feeld, 3Some, 3Fun, 3rder, 3Somer, HUD, #Open, Pure, SLS, SDC, Swinger … While I am a steadfast group sex advocate, I must admit that this many apps is overkill — especially as most of them don’t really have any users.

The best part about meeting people via group sex apps is that everyone is on the same page from the start — everyone is there for just about the same thing. So you can jump right into it without the awkward formalities. So no explaining why you’re looking for sex when you’re married or weed through all the profiles looking for serious monogamous relationships like on conventional dating apps.

Another good thing about these apps is that you’re often communicating with people who are experienced with swinging and already in the scene — they tend to know what they’re doing and the process for getting together. Everything is to the point. Through just a few chat exchanges you can really express what you’re looking for, what your limits are, and get a good feel as to whether someone(s) is a good match before meeting. If you’re just hunting muggles at a bar, you’re on your own in the wilds.

In our experience, Feeld is by far the best app for finding threesome partners. It was originally designed for couples looking to add a third in the bedroom but has grown into being a full-fledged swinging app. It’s basic — just profile pics and bios — and is full of bugs, but a critical mass of users are there, and for dating apps this all that matters. After years of using this app in NYC we have still not come to the end of it — each time we open it we’re given new profiles to browse.

Another good thing about Feeld is that you need to be connected with people first before you can message them, which means that in-demand individuals (otherwise known as women) don’t get buried in messages from under-qualified suitors or creeps. It also provides space for saying what you’re into in your bio, so if you’re looking for threesomes you can say this, as well as list the type that you’re after. There is no need to be shy about this — if you want a big, hung dude for an MFM, then say so; if you want a buxom bi zaftig for an FFM, then let this be known. Looking for a threesome partner isn’t like finding someone to date long-term, so feel free to shop discriminately and let your superficial tendencies flourish. This is ultimately recreation, so go for what you’re after.

While not an app (because it allows graphic nudity), FetLife is another good site to find partners for threesomes. It’s a complete social network devoted to swinging, BDSM, and just about any other forms of kink. In addition to your profile, where you can write an in-depth bio and upload pictures, videos, and writing, there’s also discussion groups which are built around certain kinks or geographic areas where you can publish or browse posts looking for sexual partners. It is also a really good place to virtually get to know others who are into the scene and build a little online community of those who are into the same things you are.

Like Feeld, there is a critical mass of users on FetLife and it’s easy to find people in your area. Unlike Feeld, you can send a message to anyone, so people with vaginas tend to get deluges of messages from men who don’t understand the proper protocols for respectfully contacting people for sex (however, you can block messages from people you haven’t yet friended). These random messages are sometimes beneficial, and I’ve hooked up or made friends with many people who’ve cold called me.

SLS (app) / Swinglifestyle.com (website) is one of the longest-running and largest online swinging communities. This place is everything swingers, any member can contact any other, and you can post “hot dates” (classifieds) to try to find the people you’re after. Just about every swinger everywhere is on this site. However, in our experience this app tends to have a bit of an older crowd, and I imagine that it could be of more use in smaller cities and more rural areas than it is in NYC, where other apps are more popular and there are plenty of clubs and parties to meet other swingers at.

The other apps listed above struggle in various ways. Most of them don’t have enough real users, some are packed with sex workers and scammers who pretend they like you but only want money, or have really askance architecture or high prices which makes it difficult to find and connect with the people you’re after. But your milage may vary, so try them out and let me know how you find them in the comments below.

Go to a swinger’s club or party

While we still use apps, our main way of finding other partners for threesomes is going to swinger’s clubs. We’re members of a few of them in NYC, and we tend to go around twice a month. These clubs are generally 65% social, 35% sexual, so you also do a lot of hanging out, meeting people, and talking in additional to having sex.

We find clubs to be way more expedient ways of finding partners — they’re kind of like skipping the preliminary texts and the challenges of scheduling and jumping right to the good stuff: meeting people who are ready to have sex. However, my wife and I have our systems down, we’re very experienced with this, and are comfortable making decisions on the fly. We’re cool with moving from hanging to banging in a short amount of time.

If you’re comfortable with this, then the sex clubs are the best places to find additional partners. Just scan the crowd, look for a male or female that you like, start a conversation with them, and ask if they’d be interested in going to a play area. People who go to these events are often very skilled at saying no, so don’t be upset if you get turned down — occasionally being rejected is just a part of the game.

That said, don’t be shy about saying no if you’re not sure about hooking up with someone, as if they’ve been in the scene for a while they’re probably totally cool with it.

One thing I don’t recommend is trying to plunk one half of a couple while eschewing the other half. So don’t try to snag some dude’s date and leave him in the dust. That’s just not cool.

Hunt in the wild

While the apps and erotic clubs are of course real life, they are both defined spaces that are created specially for non-monogamy and group sex, and the culture within their spheres is much different than outside of them, in what we call broader society. Looking for threesome partners in the muggle realm is both exciting and risky … and often doesn’t come with the same probability of success. People out there are not necessarily on the same page as you — in all likelihood they’re not — and they may be confused by your advances or even offended. But don’t let this discourage you. Part of the excitement of sex is the unpredictability, and stepping outside of the scripted confines of the sex scene can be absolutely exhilarating — risky, volatile, and surprising.

Once you find a potential third, a good way to offer a proposition is probably the simplest: “Have you ever had a threesome before?” Then follow that up with “Would you like to have one / another one?” It works.

What to do once you’ve found a threesome partner

Whether you’re meeting someone(s) for a threesome on an app, sex club, or in the wild, you’re going to want to have a brief conversation about expectations and limits. If you’re meeting on an app, it’s a really good idea to meet first at a public location like a bar or cafe to get a feel for each other.

Once face-to-face, it’s a good idea to ask questions like, “How long have you been doing this for?” “What are you into?”, “Is there anything that you don’t like?”, “Is there anything in particular that you’d like to do together?”, “What is your STD status?”, “Are you open to bi play?”

Everyone has their own style, and asking a few questions will give you a good idea of what you’re in for and will make the experience go smoother and often better. As with anything in swinging, communication is key.


Temptation Cancun Resort: An Uncensored Review From Real Swingers

Temptation Cancun

In the old days, news about swinger-friendly resorts would be spread by word of mouth and black rings, upside-down pineapple insignias, and ankle bracelets would be used to identify each other. The meet-ups would tend to be clandestine and kept on the down low. But these days are no more. Today, swinging and casual sex are very much on the surface and there is now a network of resorts, hotels, and cruises all over the world that are built for marketed directly towards the non-monogamous:

Hedonism II in Jamaica, Cap’dange in the French Riviera, Desire Riviera, Desire Pearl, and Temptation in Cancun, Temptation Grand Miches in the Dominican Republic, along with Bliss Cruise, Couples Cruise, Temptation Cruise, and various Desire cruises have all jumped to the forefront to assuage the ever-growing demand for sexy vacations.

For over 15 years I made my living as a travel writer and journalist, so combining travel with swinging — a hobby that my wife and I have enjoyed for many years — seemed like a perfect mix. We would visit at least one swinger’s resort per year, and eventually check them all off our list. 

There were two swinger resorts that stood out to us as options to visit last year: Hedonism II in Jamaica and Temptation in Cancun. The former seemed as if it’s 100% devoted to those in the lifestyle while the latter seemed to be both for swingers as well as those simply looking to party. However, Hedo has the reputation of being mostly for older swingers and the possibility of having other options beyond having sex appealed to us. So we went with Temptation Cancun, a place that’s otherwise known as the “playground for grown-ups.”

Temptation Cancun resort

Temptation Cancun is an adults-only, top-optional, all inclusive, 430-room resort that’s right on the beach at the apex of Cancun’s hotel zone. 

The moment we arrived it was clear that this resort’s tagline was appropriate. We walked in at high noon and were taken up in a wave of speedo dudes and bikini women pounding drinks. Customer service reps dressed in purple mini skirts were racing around with platters of cocktails, seemingly with the prime directive of making sure that every hand had a drink in it.

We were a little early and had to wait to checked in. No problem. We were led over to a bar by a customer service rep, ordered a couple of drinks, and then tried to make our way to the beach … but were caught short by something they called “orientation.” So we sat down with a customer service liaison who introduced us to the resort … and then set up a meeting the following morning so they can try to sell us VIP membership or a timeshare. We ended up cancelling the meeting. Vacation time is too precious for us to sit through a sales meeting for something there is no chance in the world that we would buy, regardless of the price. However, many people who visit do become VIP members and buy a timeshare, so …

Temptation CancunBefore arriving we were apprehensive as to whether Temptation Cancun would be a place that we (i.e. my wife) would feel comfortable. She enjoys premium, members-only sex clubs that curate the clientele or parties where she knows she’s going to be able to find what she’s after. We’ve actually gone into new clubs together before where she took one look around, spun 180 degrees, and then headed for the door. Her standards are the best or nothing.   

All too often swinger’s parties, clubs, and resorts advertise themselves with pictures and videos of scantly-clad, attractive young couples laughing and having a good time only to arrive and find the place full of old, fat people … or, even worse, mobs of single dudes descending on anything with a vagina like a scourge of the undead. Surprisingly, while I’m in my early 40s and my wife is in her late 30s we are still somehow in the category of “young swinger.” This statement doesn’t make any sense until you go to a typical swinger’s joint and take a look around. Many lifestyle resorts have the reputation of being refuges of the retired. While we don’t have anything against our elders, we don’t really want to have sex with them … well, until they become our peers …  

This wasn’t an issue at Temptation Cancun, and we knew this the moment we walked through the doors. The place is really something special. It looks exactly like it does in the brochures … and those marketing photos of scantly-clad, attractive couples … yeah, they’re real. The place is really another world. It stopped me in my tracks for a moment and as I took it all in as a smile broke across my face. We walked out of the reception area onto a massive patio that overlooks main pool and the beach and ocean beyond. The pool itself is whimsically-shaped and has a massive naked lady emblazoned across the bottom. We stood there and just took the place in. What will we find here? The anticipation of sex is one of the most exciting things that a human can feel. No matter how often you do it, no matter how many partners you have, it still sends this electric reverberation through your body. Everything about this resort gives you that feeling. 

We walked down the long, serpentine ramp that leads to the pool and then made our way to the beach with drinks in hand and laid down on a shaded beach bed. We napped a little and then made our way to the quiet pool that’s at the far end of the resort. The pool definitely lived up to its name. It was a winding, funny shaped pool with a shaded tiki bar shooting up out of the center of it. People were just chilling around here, leisurely swimming, reading books, slowly sipping drinks. It’s a place of refuge for when the partying at the big pool gets a little too much. We swam up to the tiki bar, sat on the submerged stools, and ordered a couple pina coladas. We chatted and looked around. The scene over here could have been at any resort on the Cancun strip — there were couples recovering from the night before, a group of college-age queer dudes chilling at the bar, and a group of older Mexicans hiding out in the jacuzzi — and it was good to know that we had this option should we want to escape the madness. 

Eventually, it was time to check-in to our room. We went back to reception and got our bracelets, which are not only the keys to our room but denote our status at the resort by color of the band and the number written on the back of the swipeable oval plastic piece. Our bands were purple — meaning we had a room in the cheap section — and had the number one written on them: rookies. 

It didn’t take long to find out that this is a place that people often return to, and the resort has been very successful at developing its own culture … which is kind of like an uber-friendly underground society. Many of the people here have known each other for large swaths of their lives and reconnect each time they come down for a visit … and it was normal to find people who come every year. We met one couple that comes almost every month and another who has been over 20 times. One of the first questions people ask here is how many times you’ve been, and your response indicates your status. Being a regular at Temptation Cancun seems to be a point of identity for some people, and while I have to admit that I’m new to the resort scene, this seemed unique to me. 

The rooms

Temptation Canun rooms

The rooms at Temptation Cancun range from basic hotel rooms that face a gardened walkway to full-blown penthouses on the beach. There seems to be stark differences between the accommodation options, and trying them all could be a prime motivator for repeat visits. However, the accommodation can be broken down into three major sections:

There’s the “Chill” area, which is to the left of the reception area if you’re facing the beach, and this is more or less the budget zone. In the center is the tower, otherwise known as the “Play” area, which extends up over the reception area and is the heart of the resort. Then off to the right side is the “Relax” section, which is near the quiet pool and has more of a subdued atmosphere. 

As we’re a little more budget-conscious than many of our swinging peers, we took an ocean-facing room in the Chill section. The cost was right, the view was beautiful, and the room was … well …

Rooms at Temptation Cancun resort

Contributing to the metaversal feel of the resort, the rooms were really something different. Their design was like something people in the 1970s thought the 2020s would look like. It was the past’s idea of the future, and something about that fit the place perfectly. The resort was designed by Karim Rashid, who has a style of interior design that is overtly biological, molecular, dare I say vulva-ular, with orbs and undulating blobs, and channels. When you walk through one of his rooms you get the feeling that you’re taking a voyage through the innards of the human body. It’s pure copulation in design form … and then there’s the light-up silhouettes of naked women on the walls and the massive floor to ceiling windows which provide you with an unimpeded view out … and gives others an unimpeded view in (which many guests take full advantage of).   

If you’ve never been in a room at Temptation Cancun before, “whoah” is an appropriate first reaction … even before you start doing what you’re inevitably going to do there.

The restaurants


We went in assuming that the food at Temptation Cancun was going to be sub-par. It was all-inclusive resort after all, and we imagined they would pull from the playbook of other resorts and cut some corners here. “The food is going to suck,” my wife kept saying in the weeks leading up to our visit, and she did not heed my objection when I’d counter by saying that I read on many forums and in reviews that the food was actually decent. 

I totally won this one. The food at Temptation Cancun is not only surprisingly edible but I actually found it really good … and we live in Astoria in New York City, a place that’s known for its extremely good restaurants.  

That said, there is a dress code — evening casual — for many of the restaurants here. And while you may think this is dumb, as there are people running around half naked in the pools just outside its doors, it really does add something positive to the vibe. The restaurants here are places to take refuge from the pool party scene for a moment, to reset, have a romantic dinner with your partner, and get ready for the party that’s soon to begin.

Flame restaurant at Temptation Cancun resort
This is Flame, our favorite restaurant at Temptation Cancun.

There are two buffet-style restaurants on the floor below the reception area, Amores and Rain. These are basic eateries where you can stop in for a quick breakfast or lunch without any fanfare. Amores is a little more Mexican-ish and Rain is American-ish. You can walk back and forth between the two so there’s no need to select one and stay there. Think eggs, burritos, chiliquilis, chicken, sausage, pancakes, oatmeal, cereal, fruit, juice, salad, dessert — normal food, but still good. 

Flame is a steakhouse and was, as you could expect from someone who eats an animal-based diet, my favorite culinary option. It’s a little fancy, candle lit, and has a romantic ambiance. If this place was in NYC, I’d eat there. We actually ate dinner there twice. 

Romanza is an Italian themed restaurant. We didn’t do more than peak in but it looked nice.  

Sea Flirt is for sea food. We also didn’t eat there, so can’t comment on it. 

The food at Temptation Cancun
The food at Temptation Cancun

Sutra is an Asian-fusion place that has a hibachi show and delicious food. We ate there one night, and it had a chill, romantic vibe. While you need stand in a long line during the day to make a reservation to sit at the hibachi bar, if you want to eat at a normal table you can just walk right in. 

SHE seems as if it is intended to be the top restaurant at Temptation Cancun — there is a live performance, they apparently serve aphrodisiacs, and you need to stand in line to make a reservation at 2pm sharp (and even if you do this the chances of getting a table seem slim if you’re not a premier member). However, it was also the only restaurant that we’ve heard complaints about. Apparently, the live show and cuisine are nothing to wait in line for … and one of the servers in Amores told us that they serve the exact same food as they do there. I can’t really say much about it, as I’m going off of the words of others, but the consensus opinion seems to fall on the side of underwhelming. 

The sexy pool

Sexy Pool at Temptation Cancun
The naked women at the bottom of the Sexy Pool at Temptation Cancun.

During the daytime, the Sexy Pool is where the action happens. It is literally the beating heart of the resort. It has a meandering shape with a long, swim-up bar and a naked woman emblazoned along the bottom. This pool is not one for swimming laps, but for double fisting margaritas. Everyone piles in, drinks, and gets to know each other.

Pro tip: bring your own giant cup with a lid. The bartenders will fill it up for you and the lid will keep pool water from being slashed in it. 

Pro tip #2: Bring a waterproof holder for some tip money. If you become known as a non-tipper the bartenders will take a long time to serve you. 

You’re not going to read a review of Temptation Cancun without it being mentioned how friendly the people are there. An essential part of being swingers is meeting new people, and this sentiment boils over here to the non-swingers as well. Imagine hundreds of people wading around drinking and getting to know people and that’s the Sexy Pool — starting a conversation with anyone here is fair game.

There were multiple sects of swingers floating around here, and it was easy to determine where you fall in. There are old swingers and young swingers, those from the rural south and those from the big cities of the Northeast. Nobody is without a tribe here.

Sexy Pool at Temptation Cancun
Foam party in the Sexy Pool.

Besides drinking, the central focus of the Sexy Pool is the games that are led by the Play Makers — staff members charged with warming up the crowd. Each morning, the schedule for the day is posted near the pool and there are a list of competitions that you can join … competitions which range from tequila Jenga, a Miss Temptation beauty pageant, pool volleyball, belly flop (seriously), Mr. Sexy Legs, beer pong, music trivia, a chugging contest, Twister, jello wrestling …

The word “naked” can potentially be inserted before any of the above depending on current circumstances. I’m not sure what determines these “current circumstances” but some regulars told me that sometimes nudity is okay and sometimes it isn’t … 

Temptation Cancun activities
The activities for the day.

I did Mr. Sexy Legs without knowing what I would be in for. I thought I’d just be prancing around showing off some quads, but I actually had to grind on some random topless woman, cover her in hot chocolate, lick it off, slam a shot of some florescent green alcohol … in addition to prancing around showing my quads. 

Prancing is not my speciality. Needless to say, I did not win.

However, this contest did directly lead to a four couple orgy that my wife and I hosted in our room …

The girl whose lap I grinded on had a husband out in the crowd who was concurrently flirting with my wife, and when it was over we all reconvened over by the bar and got to know each other. Apparently, licking hot chocolate off of some random woman’s bare breasts is a good way to break the ice. A couple from Houston who we previously had a foursome with (more on that later) came over and joined us, as did a Russian couple that we were talking with in the pool earlier. We did what swingers do — hands began to wander and midsections began to rub together, lips began to touch. I looked over at my wife, who happened to have a dude’s head between her legs under the water, and I proposed a suggestion to the group, “We could all go back to our room if you’d like.”

20 minutes later we were naked. We didn’t lower the window blind. Of course.  

The nighttime parties

Party at Temptation Cancun resortBesides the Sexy Pool, the hallmark of the Temptation experience is the nightly parties. They take place on the massive deck that overlooks the the resort and all the people who you met during the day in the pool show up wearing wild costumes which, in some cases, reveal more than their bathing suits.

In typical swinger fashion, each party has a theme and dress code. Sunday is a Hawaiian theme, Monday is Wild Safari, Tuesday is Lingerie Masquerade, Wednesday is Glitter and Glam, Thursday is Crazy Circus, Friday is an open theme where you can dress however you want, and Saturday is a neon party. If you don’t prepare in advance, there is a store where you can buy costumes for each theme. While they say there’s a dress code and most people actually follow it, nobody is going to throw you out if you don’t. However, we discovered that the more noticeable your costume is, the more people are going to talk with you; the more people that talk with you, the better the chances of having more sex. 

The best costume of our visit: a dude who wore nothing but a pair of skimpy trunks that had an elephant on them with a well-placed trunk.

Runner up: a dude who went balls-out in nothing more than a mask and a sheath. 

We were there for the safari, lingerie, and glitter parties. The first night we stood back a little and took in the scene. We watched the dance show that the resort puts on and scanned the crowd, looking for potential partners. 

Every swinger’s party has a natural arc of activity level. When people first arrive at a party they tend to be reserved, sober, and not yet ready to play. This is where you meet people, talk about what you’re into, and plant seeds that you may be interested to play. Then the drinks begin to flow and the crowd loosens up. Some people begin moving to the play areas. Eventually, the night crescendos as the play areas fill. After that, things tend to simmer down fast as people tap out, get too drunk, or go home. The important thing is to be ready to hit playtime at its peak. 

Our timing for Temptation was thrown off a little as we did not factor in the reality that much of the crowd had literally just spent the entire day drinking. While everyone got amped up for the parties, it was clear that couples were dropping off fast. The gangbangs and orgies that were being excitedly planned during the day started being canceled at night, as their prospective participants crashed or found their faces hovering above a toilet bowl. 

As the couples began trickling away from the party on the first night we realized that there was soon not going to be anyone left, and we went into active pursuit mode. I complimented a dude who looked like my wife’s type on his costume and we began talking. Our wives soon joined us. They were from Houston and were hardcore lifestylers — and were likewise on the prowl. We invited them back to our room …

By our third day there we realized that we probably shouldn’t wait until nightfall to play, and that’s how the 2PM four couple orgy got started. When we return to Temptation, we’ll probably stick to this plan, as 2PM seems to be the perfect time to play there.  

Our orgy group met up later on at the party, but only the couple from Houston were in good enough shape to play some more, and we went back to our room and had another foursome. 

Not everyone is a swinger

Upside down pineapple towels

While things are very much set up for swingers at Temptation Cancun, it isn’t officially a swinger’s resort, and one of the most hilarious thing we found about the place was that not everyone who goes there is aware of the promiscuous proclivities of most of the guests. 

Case in point: We met a cute couple at one of the nighttime parties — they were young, maybe around 25, and, from what we could tell, seemed to be in the lifestyle. We introduced them to our new friends and hung out, talked, and danced. Then I eventually extended an invite:

“So, I think we’re going to get a little group together in our room tonight, would you two be interested in joining?”

“Yes,” the guy said quickly.

But the girl was a little more hesitant. “What are we going to be doing?” she asked.

I was a little taken aback by her response. Usually, this type of proposition in this circumstance leaves little to be read between the lines. Then I got it …

“You know we’re swingers, right?”

“What?!?” the girl exclaimed as she turned to her boyfriend. 

“Yes, many of the people here are. It’s kind of a swinger’s resort.”

“Did you know that these people swing!?!” she asked her boyfriend as she smacked his chest. 

He just shrugged his shoulders and sheepishly nodded. She took him aside and that was the last we ever saw of that couple.

The moral of the story: verbally check people’s lifestyle statuses first before inviting them to an orgy. 


Temptation Cancun resortEverything about Temptation Cancun feels as if you’re in some kind of alternate universe — it’s like you walk through the doors and the outside world and your life there freezes and you momentarily live this existence that’s removed from work, obligation, and time. The place really is a playground for grown-ups.

Book your Temptation Cancun experience now! 

The Rules Of Swinging: Do You Need Them?

Sexy couple in the shower

The following is a question from a connection on our new Twitter account earlier today:

Backstory – my wife and I softswapped a bunch of times with friends (3 different couples) – we’d set limits with them & ourselves. All was great. However, the last time we swapped, she intentionally overstepped the boundaries we’d established as a foursome (she initiated intercourse with the other dude & he didn’t stop it) knowing it was over the line. She’s of the mindset to ‘get over it, it’s just sex’ but, until then, the 4 of us would be with our partners, all in one room, finishing off as a couple. What once was great, isn’t any more. I miss it. She says boundaries are meant to be tested. I’m not sure I agree without discussion or communication of intent. Or am I overthinking & over analyzing everything? It’s hard when that trust isn’t taken seriously. Or am I overreacting?

I don’t think you’re overreacting by being upset by this. Not at all. I imagine watching her do that felt like a betrayal, both by her and the other dude. Owning and expressing your feelings and emotions is essential for non-monogamy to work. Burying your feelings is only going to germinate them to sprout later. So get it out, communicate, move on. What happened sucks but I don’t think it’s anything to sink the ship over.

Swinging isn’t just about sex, it’s about finding a way to make relationships work better. While swinging does do away with many of the classic pitfalls of monogamy — as well as being a whole lot of fun — it presents it’s own challenges which are important not to ignore. However, I believe that the challenges of swinging are far easier to solve that those of monogamy, which are often terminal.

The one thing, in my experience, that you can never expect from swinging is perfection. This is something that is very fluid; there’s a lot of decisions that need to be made in the moment, many judgement calls, and sometimes we’re going to choose poorly. I believe that it is essential to accept the fact that your partner — as well as yourself — are occasionally going to make transgressions and overstep boundaries. You can go in with the most airtight of plans and just have it get blown to oblivion when the action begins. This isn’t idea and it sucks when it happens, but it is normal and should be built into your expectations. We’re human and, especially when placed in sexual situations — where hormones, emotions, and desires are elevated (especially when alcohol and drugs are involved, as is the case with most swinger parties), things are going to happen that we don’t (or can’t) plan for. So have a system in place for reconnecting, repairing trust, and reestablishing symbiosis, because at some point you’re probably going to need it.

Some couples seem to think that they can use rules to avoid potential problems in swinging. They set up all kinds of boundaries, parameters, and a long list of “don’t-dos” thinking that it’s going to keep them out trouble and ensure that they both are happy. But I feel that this kind of structure actually creates more problems than it solves, because when someone oversteps a boundary it often becomes less about the action and more about the principle — you broke a rule, an agreement, violated trust, and this disrespect, belittling, and lack of empathy in and of itself really stings.

As for my wife and I, we follow the premise that a rule that is made is made to be broken, and we try to limit the opportunities that we have for doing this. We only really have one rule, and that is to be honest — to openly communicate what we are doing, thinking, planning and to always tell the truth. Beyond that, everything is processual. We have a formal meeting once a week where we bring up anything that is bothering us, tell each other about any new potential partners, and make our plans for the weekend. Where there’s points of contention, we express how we feel and then allow the other one to make their own choices. We very rarely say no if one of us wants to do something, but we also very rarely do something that we know would make the other one upset.

However, boundaries do sometimes get overstepped — even after we’ve been doing this regularly for many years. When this happens we talk about it. We say how it made us feel, we get it out, and almost invariably the other one will apologize and come up with a strategy to limit the chances of it happening again in the future. We forgive, we move on. It’s a process — a process that we’re always trying to tweak and improve.

In my opinion, the worst thing about monogamy is how unforgiving it is. One fuck up and the entire house of cards crumbles. We expect our partners to be what we want them to be — especially when it comes to their sexuality — and there is often no process for reconciliation when it’s clear that they’re not … other than divorce or, even worse, perpetual bitterness. The prime directive of swinging isn’t just to have a lot of sex but to escape the restrictions, pitfalls, and problems of monogamy, which, statistics show, isn’t really working for a huge number of couples.

Or, I’ll put it like this: if rules don’t work for monogamy, they’re definitely not going to work for non-monogamy.

That said, I do understand why you’d want to reserve some sexual things just for you and your wife. That can be something beautiful and special. But I feel that there’s also a risk to it. It’s kind of like having a priceless vase set up on a wobbly pedestal in the middle of your living room. Eventually, some jackass — maybe even yourself — is going to knock it over. It’s inevitable. And once it’s gone, it’s gone.

We’ve tried many different strategies in our swinging journey, and we found that things work best when a platform for communication takes the place of a rule book.

Have you asked your wife why did she did it? Do you know if it was an acute mistake or does she want to move on to being full swap? Were there other things going on in the relationship that may have made her want to … for lack of a better term, stick it to you?

If it was a one time thing and you both truly want to continue playing, I’d tell her how it made you feel, get it out, and move on. From what you said, she seems a little unapologetic. If that’s the case, accept it. An apology isn’t something that you need to win. She also doesn’t have to validate your emotions. Recite your lines and get off the stage. Also, there is a slippery slope between a man expressing his feelings and appearing weak. Keep your head above water.

If she would prefer to be full swap how would you feel about this? How would she feel about you having intercourse with other women?

Honestly, I think soft swap is an incredibly difficult thing to do — way more difficult than full swap — and the fact that you were able to do this successfully multiple times with multiple couples is impressive. I’d recommend trying full swap and see how it goes, if for no other reason than it’s way less complicated … and more fun, of course.

But other than that, in my opinion, the worst has already happened. That priceless vase has been shattered. It’s gone and there’s no use being upset about it anymore. Appreciate the fact that you have a partner that’s open to embarking on sexual explorations with you and revel in the fact that her mindset is “It’s just sex.” That’s something that many dudes would give about anything for. Your path ahead seems pretty good, man. Keep your focus on the finish line and don’t let the little things trip you up. Take what you have and run with it.

I’ll leave you with this: the best salve for a busted sex party is often another sex party.

Swinging is always a work in progress. Always try again.

The First Key To Dating Apps: Standing Out

Flower field

I received this message on Fetlife this morning:

“Hope you both are doing well. Would you be open to being friends and allowing your beautiful wife to have herself a long distance Dom that will include hot adventures and some spicy stuff for her or both of you.”

It was the kind of message that anyone with or connected to a person with a vagina receives receives dozens of every day. There was nothing that stood out about it — no interesting details about the dude, no probing questions, no nothing. The long distance and dom things were instant nos for us though — we have no interest in putting time into texting people we’ll probably never meet and “doms” are not what we’re looking for — especially as most are just dudes who think buying lots of sex toys will get them laid.

However, out of curiosity I checked out his profile. He had two photos: one of his shirtless midsection clad in sweatpants and one of his collection of sex toys. The sweatpant pic didn’t even boast the benefit of an outline of a massive cock or ripped abs. There were no additional photos of him actually using his gear, no face pics, no evidence of interaction with previous women, not even any nudes. His location was set to Antartica, which is what people on Fet do when they want to conceal their real location. The about me part of his profile simply said, “Dom into bringing back the real kinky lifestyle love to bring a smile to my subs face I do couples and ladies loads of attention tasks and loads more fun it’s not only about kink it’s about the connection.”

The lack of punctuation or proper grammar was perhaps the only thing that stood out here. The guy may no effort to communicate who he is or provide any hooks or anything to attract interest. Basically, his profile said little more than “run of the mill male.”

Even if I was going to mention him to my wife what could I even fucking say? “Hey babe, there’s this guy from somewhere who’s interested in you on Fet. He has a really nice pair of black sweatpants.”

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I responded politely: “Thanks for getting in touch but LDR and doms are not things she’s looking for.”

I thought that would do it. Nope. He wrote back right away:

“Ouch love to talk deeper i am sure you both would be open to that”

This irritated me a little. First, acting like I hurt his feelings for saying we weren’t into what he was proposing — rejection is part of this game, and if you can’t accept it you probably shouldn’t be playing — and then just expecting us to want to spend our time texting with him.

I again responded that we weren’t interested and he seems to have given up.

However, I kept thinking about this, not because it stood out in any way but because of how normal and typical it all was. 10% of men get 90% of the women on dating apps. While part of this is due to things that are not immediately or even possible to change — such as favorable genetics, wealth, and level of fitness — another part is due simply to how dudes present themselves.

As I scroll through the profiles on swinger’s apps or look over my wife’s shoulder while she’s hunting (or, more accurately, being hunted by) dudes one thing stands out: 90% of dudes don’t stand out at all. They have the same dumb selfie headshot, a quirky photo (maybe even with a tongue sticking out?), a dog photo, a shot of them in business attire, a beach vacation pic, and a sporty shot. It’s like they’ve taken the personas of the Spice Girls and applied them to dating app pics.

Before I go any further I should probably point out the obvious: the dating app game is very different for men than women. A woman can have a blank profile and collect thousands of likes, as the strategy for most men is to just throw right swipes at the wall and see what sticks. Women tend to be the discerning sex. This is something that is represented all across the nature and is the reason why male chickens have a colorful plume and male lions have gorgeous manes and male ibexes have impressively massive horns. Males of pretty much any species need to be the ones that have to work to attract mates because males, to put it simply, are programed to fuck anything.

So how do you stand out?

It’s simple: stand out by showing who and what you are to the extreme.

In the world of online dating, if you try to appeal to everybody you appeal to nobody. Dating is ultimately a game of triage, and sifting out the chaff as fast as possible is an essential part of the game. If you don’t have big ass peacock feathers you’re just going to be weeded out without a second glance. The key is to provoke a reaction — to be a “type.”

It may sound counterintuitive but it’s my goal on the dating apps to immediately repel 95% of the women who look at my profile. I want them to look at me and say “Eww” and move on to the next dude. I’m comfortable with this because I know that I am a “type” and that the remaining 5% will be into that type.

It’s better to be somebody’s syrup than everybody’s sap.

This is how I show my type:

I’m 80% covered in tattoos.

I have a muscular physique.

I’m over 7” in girth.

I have a shaved head and a mid-length black beard.

I’m a NFL team’s season ticket holder.

I spent 20 years perpetually traveling the world.

I work in a creative profession.

I have a wife that I’m very actively non-monogamous with.

I like sex clubs, swinger’s resorts, and orgies.

All of this is very polarizing information — some like it, many don’t — and I try to include, or at least allude, to most of it in my dating profiles.

I know that 95% of women are going to look at me and immediately be like no fucking way. Nope. Swiping left on this dude. While 5% are going to be like that’s exactly what I want.

How do you do this?

Own it, be what you are, and show it to the point that you stand out from the herd. Chances are there is someone out there who is into it.

You want to either be a hell no or a fuck yeah.

Give Blood To Save Lives … Or To Enhance Sexual Function

Giving blood

I gave blood yesterday. While I’d like to call myself a hero and wear that little “I gave blood” heart sticker with pride, I can’t. I have to admit that my reasons for giving blood were completely selfish.

I gave blood to knock down my iron levels. I wanted to knock down my iron levels to ward off hemochromatosis — a condition where your body has a toxic amount of iron which knocks out your pituitary gland and clogs the arteries. Sexual function is irrevocably tied to hormones and heart health, so overloading these systems has a pernicious impact on your sex parts … and may eventually lead to hypogonadism … i.e. shrunken, useless, out of order testicles.

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“Hemochromatosis is a disease in which too much iron builds up in your body. Your body needs iron but too much of it is toxic. If you have hemochromatosis, you absorb more iron than you need. Your body has no natural way to get rid of the extra iron. It stores it in body tissues, especially the liver, heart, and pancreas. The extra iron can damage your organs. Without treatment, it can cause your organs to fail.”

While it’s only a hypothesis at this point, it is now being thought in some medical circles that the reason why women have heart attacks at half the rate of men is because they store half the amount of iron … and they store half the amount of iron because they menstruate.

It was also demonstrated that you can reduce the risk of heart disease by 30% and drop the risk of heart attacks by 88% by giving blood.

You now see where I’m going here …

There was a study done in the 80s where a group of men with low T, erection issues, and shrunken balls underwent iron depletion (they gave blood) and guess what happened?

Read it for yourself:

“Gonadal function was evaluated in 64 persons homozygous for the HLA-linked hemochromatosis allele. Of 41 men, 10 had reduced libido or impotence and 6 had testicular atrophy. Before treatment, 5 men had below normal testosterone concentrations, 4 of whom also had low gonadotrophin levels. Four hypogonadal men were reevaluated after iron depletion treatment. In 2, 1 with primary and another with secondary hypogonadism, testosterone levels returned to normal after phlebotomy and were accompanied by a return of normal sexual function. None of 23 women with hemochromatosis had loss of libido or had a natural menopause before age 45. Our findings indicate that in some men with hereditary hemochromatosis and hypogonadism of either testicular or central origin, sexual function and sex hormone concentrations can be restored to normal after iron depletion therapy.”

Yes, they went back to normal.

I eat an enormous amount if high iron foods: liver, shellfish, red meat, leafy greens, pumpkin seeds (every morning), quinoa, broccoli, salmon and sardines. You may as well call what I eat the high iron diet. So a while back I began wondering if I should start off-loading some of this iron?

So I gave blood yesterday. I went into the clinic, answered a whole bunch of survey questions (apparently, they will kick you out if you answer them wrong), and went in to see a nurse. She did some vital sign tests, among which was a finger poke to test my iron levels. This was what I was interested in, so I drilled her on it. She told me I was in the normal range, and explained what was considered low and what was considered high.

I then wondered to myself if I was wasting my time …

I concluded that I wasn’t. First of all, I don’t trust dominant medical opinion when it comes to things related to sexual function. They’d much rather prescribe a pill … Secondly, maybe it could still have a positive effect? Thirdly, if nothing else, my blood could be used to potentially save a life — the normal reason people give blood.

I’ve now hardwired giving blood as a normal part of my health cultivation routine, and plan on going two to three times per year. Why not?

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The Key To A Good Marriage: Have Sex With Other People

Sexy couple

When my wife and I first began hooking up with others I have to admit that it was purely a sexual pursuit. It was about the adventure of discovering and entering new erotic realms, it was about the excitement of getting naked with strangers, it was about that feel-good feeling that you get when you add on a new partner.

What I didn’t know at that time was how far non-monogamy would extend beyond sex; how deep this type of exploration with another person can really go. Windows were opened that I didn’t previously know existed and marriage has progressed to places that I didn’t know it could. At this point, sex has become the force that drives us to cultivate new experiences which enhance our connection, partnership, and love. Let me explain. 

Swinging improves connection

If you feel fully comfortable revealing to your partner your inner sexual desires you probably feel comfortable telling them anything. Conventionally, our sexual desires — especially the ones often labeled divergent — are something personal, private; it is something that is closed up within the walls of the self that usually doesn’t get shared with the outside world — especially with your significant other, who happens to have stakes in your sexual ambitions. These divergent desires are normal, but tend to stay locked down beneath the clamps of monogamy. My feeling is that this is sad — both for you and your partner, who more than likely has similar hidden desires themself.

I can’t say that my wife and I had poor communication before we became non-monogamous, but I will say that we only had a conventional toolkit. Communication was something that we just took for granted that we knew how to do, and we had no idea how poor at it we really were. We would keep things from each other, treated our minds like separate safety deposit boxes, and often weren’t connecting nearly as much as we otherwise could have. However, this was something that we didn’t even acknowledge — we simply didn’t know what was possible.

But it wasn’t until we had a complete break down of communication and trust and entered marriage counseling that we realized that communication was something that we should — and could — work on. During our first session, the counselor taught us a new way of communicating. It was extremely elementary. It was dumb. It felt awkward. But it was something that hit me like a well swung bat … because it worked.

Whenever she said something I would listen and then I would repeat back to her what I heard her say and then she would affirm that we had connected. Then when I would speak she would repeat back to me what I said and then I would affirm that we had connected. If we missed the mark we would circle back and try again.

The counselor made us practice this, week in, week out. He made us practice it so often that even years later we just talk this way to each other without even thinking about it. It has also allowed us to communicate uncomfortable things without impediment. There was just something about the formalization of communication that limited adverse emotional response an increased our ability to connect.

We then took this strategy further when I borrowed an idea from an older poly couple who told me that they have a weekly couples meeting. So we started sitting down together each Monday, where we would write up an agenda, take roll call, and have a meeting about how we felt about the previous week and what we were planning for the week ahead. We’d essentially read each other’s status reports and discuss how we would proceed moving forward.

Having a formalized space for discussion emboldened us to talk about things that we felt could potentially provoke anger or argument — the kind of things that you often don’t bring up out of fear of the outcome — and it was through the discussing of these difficult topics that drove our connection even closer. They also removed the need to talk about certain issues all the time — we had a time and a space for discussing such things, and this allowed us to focus on other aspects of our relationship the rest of the time.

Today, we use the methodologies that we first devised to communicate our feelings about sex to communicate just about everything — our meetings are no longer just about fucking other people, our conversation method is no longer enacted just to talk about the erotic. But ultimately, if it wasn’t for our external sexual forays we probably would not have developed the communication platforms that we did, and we probably wouldn’t be as close as we are today. The reason for this is simple:

Non-monogamy is fundamentally based on connection and this only begins with sex.

Removes the need to be someone’s everything

I feel that one of the biggest pressures in modern relationships is the expectation that you can be another person’s everything … and that they will, in turn, be your everything. It’s an expectation that few relationships can manifest over the long-term, and it’s my suspicion that this is why most break down over time …

There has perhaps never been another time in human history where partnered men and women operated so closely with one another. In most traditional / tribal societies there is a clear line between men and women — they work separately, play separately, and in some cultures even sleep separately. We’re an animal that once spent a lot of time cultivating our identities / roles / relationships apart from the person that we’re partnered with. These other social structures have largely broken down in our society — in many ways this is better, in some ways it’s not — and we’ve grown to expect more and more from our partners.

While being someone’s everything is part of the appeal of the conventional relationship, it is often extremely challenging to be someone’s emotional partner, financial partner, child raising partner (if you go that route), domestic partner, recreational partner, drinking buddy, and their one and only sexual partner. Dating apps and divorce courts are full of people who think there is either something wrong with them or something wrong with everyone else, when the reality is that neither may be the case — I believe what is needed is a little reconfiguring of expectations.

It takes some reverse conditioning, but when you concede to the fact that you are no longer required to be “the one and only” the weight dissipates from your shoulders as you realize that you are free to be what you truly are and provide what you actually can. And, likewise, you can stop trying to mold your person into being something they’re not. It allows you to better accept your person and yourself, rather than running to an app to see if maybe there’s someone better to replace them with.

I should state here that my wife and I are not polyamorous — we do not have other boyfriends and girlfriends. Our non-monogamy is purely sexual, but built into these forays is time exploring, making friends, and building our identities apart from each other. My wife’s solo dates are valuable to her not only because she’s getting laid but because the give her a momentary respite from her roles of wife / mom / teacher — she can establish herself independently as the sexy woman that she is. As for me, I really enjoy meeting new people and cultivating friendships. I sometimes joke that that the sex is just a way to lure in new friends.

The wells of sexual desire are also deep. Throughout a life most people are going to want to try many different things … but most are going to keep this to themselves, bound by the strictures of a relationship, hidden by the fear of how their partner may respond. We romanticize the baring of our souls to another … until we actually do it. We want our partners to be how we perceive them to be, not how they actually are … and make little concession to their personal evolutions, especially when it comes to sex. What a person is going to sexually want at 25 probably isn’t going to be what they want at 35 or 45. We tend to freeze our partners in sexual amber rather than allowing them their sexualities to grow and evolve … until one day the casing cracks and it all blows up.

There is nothing wrong with wanting sexual experiences beyond that of your partner or that your partner doesn’t want to or can’t fulfill. This doesn’t make you a whore, a cheater, or a pervert. Honesty, it makes you normal. Everybody out there is thinking about fucking other people.

A big part of being in a successful relationship is being realistic.

It becomes a hobby

I have to admit when my wife and I first became non-monogamous it was all about the sex. But then something began happening. We would look at dating apps together — laughing at the ridiculous profiles and the funny things that prospective suitors would write to us — we would talk about the people we were interested in, we’d go all out planning and costume shopping before events, we’d work together at eating well and keeping our bodies fit, we’d go on vacation to sexy destinations and swinger’s resorts.

Before long our pursuit for sex with other people became a full fledged hobby that we shared together. It became something that we’d talk about together, get excited for together, and do together.

Go through just about any course of marriage counseling and at some point you’re going to be given the task of finding recreational activities that you enjoy doing together. Dance class? Painting course? Go out to a sex club and fuck five different people in a massive orgy pile?

We went with option #3.

Relationships are ultimately about sharing. Sharing your time, your mind, and your body. Non-monogamy presented us with a mechanism to driving this sharing to another level, cut out the secrets and hidden desires and infidelity problems, and have a massive amount of fun while we’re at it.

If you’re active in the swinging lifestyle or are interested in starting, be sure to subscribe for more information and advice.

Want To Have A Lot Of Sex? Get Good At Being Rejected

Hot woman

My wife and I received a request for an MFM threesome via a kink site that we post content to. The dude looked good: fit, black, a big cock. While my wife isn’t necessarily a big cock connoisseur, she does enjoy them — honestly, I’m the one who’s more into her being fucked by them. I was ready to say fuck yeah, but when I checked the bio on his profile I found this:

“I can’t handle rejection. I decided some time ago that I was done with rejection and that I’d never leave my comfort zone to initiate a conversation or attempt romance with any woman that I’m attracted to if there was any chance of hearing the word “no” or similar phrases. Put simply I can’t take being rejected and I won’t put myself in that position.”

We didn’t want to put ourselves in that situation. If we meet this guy for a drink and things don’t click we wouldn’t want the additional pressure to go through with the next steps because we don’t want to give him something he can’t handle. Selflessness has no place in the slut life — if you don’t feel comfortable saying no to someone then you shouldn’t put yourself in a situation where you might have to.

Partaking in kink without being able to accept rejection is like trying to be a running back who cant’t accept being tackled. It’s just a part of the game — if you don’t like it, don’t play.

My wife and I rack up what could be considered multitudes of partners. Each Saturday night we go out and have sex with 2, 3, 4, 5, or sometimes even more people. During the week, my wife usually goes out for one fuck date and I either go on a date myself or a gangbang.

This is to say, we fuck a lot.

But we also get rejected a lot.

On any given night, we might be rejected around once or twice. We say something like, “We think you’re pretty hot, by any chance would you like to play with us?” and they may say something like, “Not right now” or “This is our first time and we’re just watching” or …

And you know what, it’s not a big deal. We say “that’s cool,” and move on to the next couple / solo dude. Sometimes the rejections are funny —we laugh them off and shrug; sometimes we don’t even think about them. We embrace our yesses and we embrace our nos. We know that kink is about what what you’re feeling in the moment, and other people’s feelings, wants, desires has no place in your decision making process. Kink is something that you do with other people, but it’s inherently selfish — you go out to get what you want, and sometimes saying no is a fundamental part of getting it.

However, we also understand that we generally don’t know the people we approach and have no idea what their situation is like, what their intentions are, what their insecurities are, how they’re feeling in any particular moment … We can’t know … and we don’t really need to.

But what we do know is that a rejection is often more opaque than it seems.

While a “no” may very well be because a person is not into you, it may also be because they have something else going on or have some kind of dynamic that simply doesn’t allow for spontaneous group play with complete strangers. Or if it’s a couple maybe they need time to talk about it first. Or maybe they’re just there to watch. It could be just about anything, and trying to decode the reasons why based on the amount of information you have is to wrap your mind up in a needless tangle that would more than likely produce an erroneous result if allowed to continue.

This is something my wife had to learn the hard way. She’s a little different than me in this regard and doesn’t take rejection very well in all aspects of life, and this only intensified when it came to kink — especially at play parties. In the beginning she would never dare make a move, and would often get tied up with trepidation if I did — and if I didn’t return successful it was almost enough to blow up a night. She would immediately jump to the conclusion that it was because she was unattractive, etc. She instead preferred to sit back and let suitors come to us (and they often would).

But I was never too comfortable with this passive approach. I tend to be an initiator. I also believe that it’s almost polite in the context of a sex party to be transparent about how you feel about the people around you. It’s normal to feel awkward initiating sex, and having people in the room who cut through these barriers is sort of a service to pave the way for a fun night for everyone. I like to tell the people who we like that we’re available and then leave it up to them to decide if they want to take things further.

This difference in approach between my wife and I eventually came to a breaking point at a party at one of our favorite clubs. We were talking with a couple in the hang out area and it seemed as if we’d be going into the play area together. But when the time came they ended up slipping away, which left my wife feel overtly rejected for the rest of the night.

But when we were on our way out we passed by the couple and they expressed disappointment that we were leaving and said they wanted to play with us … and a couple days later texted to reemphasize this.

This rattled my wife’s thinking. She was so positive that they didn’t like us — that they didn’t like her — that when she realized this wasn’t the case it opened up an entirely new way of thinking. Maybe it wasn’t us, maybe it was them?

As time went on we got to know this couple better and realized that they have some kind of confusing dynamic — they often go to play parties with the intent to have sex, they even go as far as to set things up with other couples, but rarely ever actually go through with it. Shrug. It’s just they way they do it.

After that, my wife and I did a quick review of all the times we’ve rejected other people or cancelled dates … and they was hardly a single time that we did so because we found the people unattractive. Usually, there was just something else going on.

In the ENM life trying to decode others is a fool’s endeavor. You just have to put your cards face up on the table and take whatever comes. Sometimes your hand will win … sometimes it won’t.

The game of the ten nos

There is a street photography exercise that I feel can be applied to the slut life, especially in the context of a sex party. It’s called the game of ten nos.

The object of this game is to become more comfortable taking pictures of strangers, and the way to play is to go out in the street with your camera and just start asking random people if you could photograph them. However, the intent is not to get permission but to get rejected — each time someone says no you get a point, and when you get to ten you’ve won. Eventually, you get used to being rejected — you experience the different ways that people do it and you emotionally train yourself to deal with it with class. By the end of the game that fear and trepidation that you set out with begins to diminish, which makes you more confident with your approaches … and ultimately increases the likelihood of success.

When applied to the sex party, simply replace the request to photograph with the request for sex, but the object of the game remains the same. Experiment with different approaches, different lines, different conversation starters; shoot out of your league and see what happens. After all, you’re just playing a game.

Why Having Sex With Lots Of People Is Good For Your Health

Healthy people

When my wife and I first started being truly non-monogamous (story here) the first thing my wife did was give her body a full aesthetic analysis. She picked out a few things she wanted to improve and went out and did it. She got some moles removed, she went to a saloon for a new hair style, she got here eyebrows threaded, she began exercising more, and began considering a boob job. In two weeks time she went from being pretty hot to absolutely stunning. I took some photos of her that she posted on dating apps and a deluge of hot dudes began flooding her inbox with interest … then she capitalized, sometimes hooking up with two or three new dudes per week.

A beneficial side effect of the slut life is that it incentivizes looking good … and looking good is often a direct indicator of feeling good and being healthy.

Humans are animals. We are sexually drawn to each other based on sets of conscious and subconscious criteria. We can list off what we know we like — muscles, a shapely ass, curvy figure, wide shoulders, a chiseled jawline, a lack of belly fat, white teeth — and our body responds to what it likes — pheromones, facial complexion, flush pink fingernails, bright moist skin, shinny thick hair … But all of these factors usually indicate the same thing: the health of the person you’re considering having sex with.

Our heads think that sex is something that we do for fun, but our bodies know that sex is still a reproductive act, and we’re programed to seek out the healthiest of partners available.

As far as the slut life is concerned, the pursuit of vanity and the pursuit of health is often one and the same. If you want to have sex with voluminous amounts of people then you probably want to put a proportional amount of effort into your physical appearance, and the best way to do this is by eating clean, exercising daily, and optimizing your hormonal profile.

Sex is my hobby. And, like most hobbies, it’s something that I find worth training for. If you’re into golf, you practice your swing; if you’re into mountaineering, you practice climbing; if you’re diving into the bottomless pit of eroticism, you take care of your body and mind to maximize your sexual potential.

I don’t expect anyone to follow this advice verbatim. Outside of any sexual benefits, I’m still into fitness and diet — it’s just what I like to do and learn about, so I’m probably more into it than I have to be. I’m just sharing a little of what I do to provide some ideas that you can add to your own repertoires … or not. If you have any questions feel free to ask in the comments below.


I don’t follow any diet fads, but I do eat what could be called an androgenic diet — basically a fancy sounding way of saying caveman food. I get a lot of meat, liver, fish, and a truly massive amount of eggs. I enhance meals with good fats. I eat bountiful amounts of vegetables. I consume a large amount of fermented foods. I consume a moderate amount of fruit and grains. I only eat organic. I rarely eat out. I avoid take out at all costs. I don’t eat gluten. I rarely eat any refined sugar. I avoid seed oils.

There are varying levels of dietary commitment, and I’m not saying that you need to copy me here, but I’ve found that following this diet has positive results. Take from it what you wish.

What I eat a lot of

  • Chicken
  • Beef
  • Liver
  • Sardines
  • Eggs
  • Greek yogurt
  • Kefir
  • Fruit: apples, oranges, kiwi, blueberries, bananas
  • Vegetables: broccoli, cauliflower, kale, spinach, carrots
  • Nuts and seeds: pecans, walnuts, pistachios
  • Good oils: avocado, coconut, olive

Foods I avoid

  • Soy – Because of the phytoestrogens
  • Flax – Exponentially more phytoestrogens than soy.
  • Non-organic fruits, vegetables, dairy, meat, and poultry – Men who don’t eat organic have 50% less sperm according to a new study in Human Reproduction.
  • Seed oils- Perhaps the worst thing you can consume.
  • Wheat- Initially because I lost a bet with my parents, but the results have been undeniable.

Vitamins and supplements

As far as vitamins go, I feel as if I get most of what I need from what I eat. Although I do take D3, K2, ZMA (magnesium, B6, and zinc), TMG, curcumin, and NAD (more on these later). I try to get all of these either liposomal or micellar to increase bioavailability.

I’ve been going easier on the supplements lately. I used to take the full range of “bodybuilding sups,” but have gradually been cutting them out. Most of this type of supplements are made to give short-term results rather than long-term health, and I suspect they may be hard on the organs. I’m basically down to whey / casein protein, and citrulline peptides. I also take collagen peptides but that’s just to look beautiful …


Sex is a physical activity. Sex requires optimal blood flow, endurance, and, depending on how wild you get, strength. You don’t just exercise to look good but to … yes, perform well.

I aim to go to the gym four days a week, and then I do another day of strength exercises at home along with occasional supplemental sets when I feel like it. I divide my gym week up as follows:

  • Chest / back
  • Legs / lower back
  • Arms / shoulders
  • Anything I want, but generally a second day of core and leg exercises

I also train abs daily. While my wife is more into the gut-on-a-strongman, Chinese woodblock warrior look, I know that a string of abs gets attention, and is a competitive advantage in the mating game — if for no other reason than it’s extremely difficult to gain and maintain a six pack, and few dudes are able to do it.


The human body, mind, and emotional disposition is dictated by hormones, and hormonal cultivation is one of the primary pillars of looking good wellness. This is one of the elements of sexual well-being that I feel is most overlooked. Without a balanced hormonal profile sexual desire as well as performance wans and withers. There are also many things that you can do to remedy issues as well as enhance your capabilities that don’t require pharmaceutical intervention (keeping TRT at bay for as long as possible is one of the goals here).

While I’m a dude and much of what I list here have men in mind — I intend to add a female writer in the future — most of things listed below have benefits for both sexes.

The first step in optimize your hormonal profile is removing the bad shit.

Remove the bad shit

Modern humans are at war with the world around us — our environment, toiletries, food supplies, take out packaging, even things like receipts are tainted with plastic residues, xenoestrogens, and phytoestrogens that don’t only impede our functioning as sexual beings but also make us fat. There is actually a new term for this now — obesogens — that’s used to describe these chemicals and it’s even been suggested that women experience thyroid issues at a higher rate than men because they tend to use more cosmetics, lotions, creams, etc …

Look through all of your soaps, shampoos, shaving creams, all that shit. Read the ingredients. If you can’t pronounce anything that’s listed or if there’s fragrances, aluminum, or weird acronyms throw it out. If you wouldn’t eat it, throw it out. Your skin is a giant mouth — whatever you put on it goes into your body.

Reduce the amount of times you get takeout. Restaurant food is loaded with plastic residues and pesticides as it is, but the packaging that they put it in makes it far worse. Putting hot food into plastic take out containers will be something we’ll look back on in 20 years and be like, man, those dudes were dumb.

Avoid touching receipts — they are slathered with a BPA coating.

Get rid of plastic as much as possible. Use glass or stainless steel instead. Get glass tupperware containers, get stainless steel water bottles, etc.

Don’t use teflon pans, as they release endocrine disrupting chemicals into your food. Use stainless steel, glass, or ceramic. Iron is okay to use sometimes too, but don’t overdo it.

Use all natural, fragrance free cosmetics, toiletries, laundry detergent, etc.

This may seem like an overreaction … and it may be. But the fact of the matter is that testosterone levels are plunging, and something is causing it. So why not hedge your bets?


I will eventually do an entire course on herbs but for now I will just give a brief run down of what I take. I take most of these herbs because they boost testosterone and / or blood flow.

Go-to herbs

These are the herbs that I take regularly, cycling five days on, two days off or three weeks on, one week off.

Pine pollen

Tongkat Ali


Fadogia Agrestis

He Shou Wu

Nettle root


Supplemental herbs

These are the herbs that I take when either cycling off of other herbs or just because I feel like it.


Horny goat weed



There isn’t much to say about this one other than get that much coveted 7 to 8 hours of sleep per night. This is probably the most important thing on this list.

To improve the quality of your sleep, take ZMA and nettle root before bed, make the room as dark as possible, turn off all blue light sources, put your phone in airplane mode, turn off your wifi.


The ENM life keeps you competing for mates — and not just new mates but the one(s) you already have. Remember, your partner is out wooing mates too, and the drive to compete with them jealousy-free is going to keep you on your game and give an added incentive to do the things you know you should be doing anyway.

It is easy to slide into patterns of comfort when in a monogamous relationship. You gradually begin caring less about the physical attractiveness of your partner and, by extension, yourself. You feel secure and relaxed, you are no longer competing, and it’s easy to fall into a spiral of disrepair. The thrill of the sexual hunt is over and you begin seeking simple pleasures that give you that quick dopamine response: sweets, idle entertainment, booze, cigarettes, drugs … and ten years later you’re fat, on a bunch of meds, and, very often, divorced.

One of the biggest benefits of the slut life is that it keeps you out of that hole. The on-going competition for mates gives you an incentive to stay strong, look good, and be healthy. The cultivation of physical attractiveness is no longer a one and done deal — you don’t just land a mate and call it a day — but an ongoing way of life. In point, it’s health cultivation where the reward is sex.

A Different Type Of Sex Party

Hot woman

I hooked up with seven people last night … eight if you count my wife when I got home. Six of them were new partners. Not a bad haul for a night out.

It was my wife’s off week so I went to a party on my own. The theme was “bi-slut,” which sounded like something tailor made for my wife and I to do together — a fuck party for couples who like to include other men — but she was out of commission and doesn’t find much appeal in being a fluffer. So I went alone to scout it out …

It may seem odd that this type of party is unique. However, many fuck parties are either predominately straight or predominately gay affairs — or so female forward as to venture into the territory of being anti-male (“All men must be accompanied by a female chaperon at all times”). It also isn’t uncommon for parties — and even entire venues — to promote themselves with taglines such as “no single males, ever.” They require female accompaniment for men to attend and often even ban men who did show up with a female companion from entering the play areas unescorted. Now, that’s cool if that’s what you’re looking for, and I do understand that many fuck clubs are ruined by an over abundance of single males who don’t get the culture, but, for us at least, we enjoy a good string of MFMs to bookend the foursomes when we go out. In other words, one of the things my wife wants in a party is a wide selection of available cock. But even in clubs that have such a supply, the hetero/homo divide is often a barrier, and dudes often end up parallely filling holes without a crossing the line.

This party aimed to address this.

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The place was packed with beautiful people, as this venue usually is. The costuming alone is worthy of attendance — extreme, interesting, sexy: bondage harnesses, jock straps, lingerie so skimpy it’s more accessory than clothes, raw nudity. This was the type of party where you could just sitting back watch the show ….

… but that’s not really why you go to these parties, is it?

I’m only part gay … and only a little at that. I’m about as gay as those third-generation Americans with four leaf clover tattoos are Irish. But I do like devouring women in a pile of bodies where everyone plays with everyone.

When it comes to finding people to play with at parties, I’m not shy. It’s why we’re all there, and we all know it. I feel that being up front about it is the most polite and least awkward way to operate. Usually, I chat with someone / or a couple about something for a little while to check if we’re on the same wavelength. If the conversation flows well, I will eventually say something like “I/we think you’re/you two are really hot, and if by any chance you’d like to play, I/we think that would be fun.” Oftentimes they say yes but sometimes they politely decline — many couples go to play parties and only engage with each other and it’s also not uncommon for people who are there for the first time to only want to watch … and then there’s the voyeurs, who are always only there to watch. So a rejection doesn’t always mean rejection, and there’s no point in thinking about it any deeper than that. On to the next human …

I got talking with a couple who had experience in the scene and invited them to play. They were into it. The girl was from the UK, was plump in the right places, and was wearing a skimpy black lingerie onesie. The dude was wearing a leather harness with bondage ring connectors over his bare torso … and I believe he was wearing tight leather pants. The play portion of the party was getting going, and the mats were filling up. We found an unoccupied corner and got naked. She began sucking my cock while stroking her boyfriend. I tipped her back, moved her onsie off to the side, and began licking her pussy. I then rose up, asked if I could fuck her, put on a condom, and put my cock inside… I eventually turned her around and began fucking her from behind while she sucked her boyfriend’s cock until she came.

I then moved on to another woman. I was talking with her and her boyfriend earlier, and they seemed interested. Her boyfriend was hooking up with a dude and she was just standing there watching, so I walked up and asked if she would like to play. She did. We found a little sliver of space on one of the mats and I removed her panties and began licking her pussy. She then sucked my cock. We fucked. She came. We parted ways.

A little while later her boyfriend approached me and said, “She wants to watch me get fucked by the thick cock she just came on.” Not the most graceful proposition, but there was something about it that I liked. I’ve also never said no at a sex party before.

So we found a space at the other end of the play room, which was by this time packed with naked, fucking people, and he got down on his hands and knees. His girlfriend sucked my cock and got me ready. I put on a condom and did what he requested. Afterwards I laid back and told his girlfriend to sit on my face. She straddled me and I licked her pussy and ass while she sucked my cock. We began fucking again … and then her boyfriend asked if we could do double penetration. We shot for vaginal and anal at first, but he had difficulty getting his cock in her ass, so he joined me inside her pussy. I could feel her stretching. I’m over 7” thick … but she was clearly enjoying it.

Eventually, he pulled out and I flipped her over and began fucking her on top. Her boyfriend told me that he wanted me to cum on her cunt so he could lick it up. I told her what he wanted me to do and asked if it would be alright. She said it would be. “He really likes cum,” she said. I fucked her and she came again. I was ready as well and pulled out and removed the condom as her boyfriend reached across and pointed to where he wanted me to cum. I let it go and it streamed down over her clit, parted around her labia, and drizzled down into her hole. The boyfriend then excitedly moved down between her legs and began licking up every drop as she moaned and shivered, still cumming.

I had a few other minor hookups and then called it a night. Altogether, I sexually engaged with seven people at the party … and then I went home and got my wife off and came in her mouth.

So eight people in one night. That’s a new record for me. Previously, I was at six. I’m not sure if I can top eight … but we’ll just have to find out.

How To Select Partners for Foursomes

Woman in lingerie

I received this message from an old friend who’s getting into the swinging lifestyle with his wife:

“She is very Bi but she is insanely picky when it comes to women. I think she will eventually get there with the right woman and me but the issue still remains that we aren’t attracted to the same people most of the time. And the ones that we are attracted to have ugly partners and neither of us are interested in taking one for the team. Haha!”

If you go into ENM with the goal of only hooking up with couples that you and your partner are both really attracted to then, to put it simply, you’re not going to be doing much hooking up. Assembling four people who all think each other are ultra hot — often based off nothing more than dating profile pics (which tend to be horrible) — who are into the same things, all vibe, and can match schedules … well, that just rarely happens … and leads to way more time being spent shopping on apps than actually having sex.

But what my friend mentions is probably the biggest obstruction to carrying out the swinging lifestyle — especially for younger couples who still maintain high standards and have yet to say “fuck it.” The thing is that he’s right. It’s an odd phenomenon that long-term partners — the type that are often drawn to ENM — tend to not be in the same class aesthetically. It’s as if we have different criteria for selecting life partners over temp boyfriends / girlfriends or one night stands. We seem to emphasize things like earning potential, kindness, humor, how good of a parent he / she will be, whether or not our parents like them … and deemphasize physical attraction, sexual attributes, and sexual prowess as something superficial or overrated …

… until we get years into it and want to start fucking people we’re actually attracted to.

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This is more common than I’d like to admit. Many of our foursome partners have been attractive women who are with nice, professionally successful dudes who are on the low end of the manly meter or otherwise not aesthetically in the same league. We have a term for it: “not equalies.”

Equalies are hard to find. It’s an odd phenomenon of the ENM lifestyle … and something that we have to work on deemphasizing if we want to be able to go out and have wild sexual experiences with others.

I often put it like this:

If you want to hook up with someone that you think is ultra hot then use Tinder, Feeld, FetLife, etc and go out on a solo date. If you want to fuck model-level women then go to a gangbang that features a porn star. But if you want to have a foursome or orgy with your partner then value the overall experience over the particular attractiveness of any individual.

My wife and I are not looking for a one-and-only couple that we will mutually date over and over again; no, we are looking for high volume of fun erotic experiences to have with other people. 

… fun experiences to have with each other.

It may sound counterintuitive, but, for us at least, hooking up with other people isn’t about the other people but my wife and I sharing a sexual adventure together. How attractive the other people are isn’t completely irrelevant but it does get pushed down below our other criteria, such as how comfortable we feel with them, what styles of group sex they’re into, and what their internal ENM dynamics are like.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that we don’t have any standards. My wife doesn’t fuck fat dudes: “If they can’t even take care of themselves they can’t expect me to want to have sex with them.” While I’m into curvy women, when it’s clear that they don’t put any effort into personal upkeep I don’t go out of my way for a pursuit. We also don’t usually go for partners who are more than a few years older than us.

Overall, I guess you could say that we take the slut route. We like playing often and voluminously. We like adding on multiple new sex partners each week. We’re not poly and are not looking for relationships. We’re only after sex and want as much of it as we can get.

So we reduce everything to the raw basics when selecting other partners because what really matters is the connection that happens between my wife and I — the experiences that we can have and the stories we can live together. The other people are mere props in this endeavor … and ideally we serve the same roll for them. 

How We Became Swingers

Sexy woman

Golden morning light was streaming in through the windows but I was still asleep. And my wife was sitting at the foot of the bed, drinking her coffee, watching me. My eyes opened to find her staring into them. “What the fuck?” Drinking her coffee while watching me sleep could be considered strange behavior — even for her. Something was going on.

“I want you to take some photos of me for my dating profile.”



She then walked out of the room and went to work.

Our journey into non-monogamy began around five years ago, and it began typically — although I wouldn’t necessarily say it began well. Chaya and I were legitimately monogamous for the first seven years of our marriage. My transgressions amounted to one kiss, which is to say nothing. Having sex with other people was something that I thought about but was always something I kept to myself. But one night in the Philippines the thought struck me that I knew nothing of the sexual underbelly of the planet that I traveled — and that I, myself, was pretty vanilla.

Vanilla. Chaya had actually called me that once and it stuck. I knew it was true. How could I, world traveler / culture writer / author / big media journalist / filmmaker be vanilla? I began realizing that there was an entire world that I was not experiencing, that I knew nothing about, and I didn’t like the way that felt.

At that time I was traveling away from my wife regularly for work, sometimes on the other side of the world for months at a time … often in places where the availability of sex was near ubiquitous. I was writing for a major global financial publication and through the course of this work was regularly meeting and getting friendly with women who I felt I could have engaged sexually with. But I held back, didn’t yet make the connection that sex and understanding a place and culture were inseparable, and then one night in the Philippines the drive to find out proved stronger than the drive to be sensibly return to an empty hotel room alone.

I don’t do well with not having experiences. Dangle a carrot in front of me and I bite. I spent the previous twenty years before Covid-19 — from the time that I was 18 until 38 — traveling. I racked up 90 countries, and lived a life that was driving by the hunt for experience. I became a writer and filmmaker along the way, which gave this inherent drive a much needed financial incentive.

But I thought that that experience in the Philippines would be a one and done type of endeavor. Tried that, it was fun, I’m done. But I was wrong. Instead it flipped a switch in my head that remained dormant for seven years. Suddenly, the prospect of a new sexual experience lit my mind up, synapses firing everywhere, and the urges became impossible to resist. Two core forces aligned: curiosity — the need to push beneath the surface of the places I was traveling in — and sex. I felt somehow reconfigured, and I couldn’t understand what was happening — for over a decade I walked right by potential sexual experiences without so much as an afterthought or regret; now it felt like I couldn’t do it. My legs would lead and my mind would follow. I believe, for the first time in my life, I was getting a taste of what addiction is like.

But I didn’t initially tell my wife. I’m not sure why. I imagine cowardice had something to do with it, but also the fact that I thought I could beat it. While I cheated on every girlfriend I’ve ever had up until my wife, for the first seven years of our marriage I was basically strong. Then I began breaking down … every experience I’d declare as my last … until the next experience.

I did little to hide what I was doing. I would hint at it, I would joke about it, and Chaya would too. I knew she knew what was going on — what person spends months away from their partner in places where sex is easy to find and doesn’t transgress? —but as it wasn’t confirmed it wasn’t an issue. Somewhere down deep I wanted to be caught, and when I was it came as a relief — like a crook on the run who finally gets apprehended.

Then the real work began.


We tried to go the conventional route at first. She told me not to cheat, I said I wouldn’t — and meant it — but on the next work trip away it would start all over again. Something clearly wasn’t working; I’d opened something that I was having a hard time closing, and thought there was something wrong with me and needed some help.

So we went to marriage counseling. I believe my wife thought that I was going to be berated and shamed and she was going to be somehow vindicated. That didn’t happen. Rather, the counselor was supportive of other strategies. At that time we didn’t know how typical we were.

Nobody really knows how prevalent cheating is as it’s something that people tend to lie about, but estimates range from 30% to 70% of marriages experience infidelity and some research pegs the percentage of people who admit to cheating at around 50%, irrespective of gender. What is clear is that we were normal, and this in and of itself was a little hard to swallow. We both praised ourselves on how alternatively we lived, how progressive we were, and how we did things our way. We had our first kid when we were in our 20s and we just put her in a backpack and kept right on traveling. She spent her first years in Central America, Mexico, and China; some of her first words were in Spanish and she eventually became a native Mandarin speaker. But now we had fallen into the same pitfall of, statistically speaking, almost every other couple on the planet.

The counselor had seen this before, and knew that brow-beating me and trying to cram me back into the monogamous mold where I would live a life of quiet desperation was foolish. Instead, he was surprisingly supportive of us moving towards a more equitable, open, honest relationship — a relationship where we would sexually advance with other people, together. I remember him asking me how I would feel about my wife being with another man, and I could not check the smile that spread across my face. “That’s exactly what he wants,” my wife exclaimed with a laugh.

It was.

I’ve always liked the idea of my wife fucking other dudes. I would often fantasize about it while we were having sex — the image initially put in my mind by a rather traumatic experience at the Syrian border many years before. When walking through city streets, hanging out in airports, or drinking in bars I would often entertain myself by imagining a particular dude (or two, or three …) that we’d see putting their cocks in my wife. This began happening long before I broke the ice in the Philippines … but like that event in the Philippines I never mentioned it — it wasn’t that it was taboo, it was that I didn’t fully understand it. Why did the thought of another man sexually pleasing my wife turn me on?

At that time I didn’t have many direct references through which to frame the desires that I was having — We were predominately living in Asia outside the bounds of any kink communities, clubs, or even friends who were into progressive interpretations of sex and relationships. The lifestyle was something so remote and distant from us that we hardly even knew it existed. To us, swingers were 50-something year old cougars from the 70s hosting cocktail parties in their living rooms and fucking on shag rugs. I was so adrift I didn’t even know there were places to moor up to.

So I kept it to myself.

And this is what I really regret.

I don’t regret that experience in the Philippines. I don’t regret any of the dozens and dozens of incidents of infidelity. I feel bad for how they would come to make my wife feel, but I don’t regret them. What I regret is not having cultivated a close enough relationship with my wife that I could share my feelings with her. I regret how emotionally and psychologically closed off I was to her; how guarded I was. I think back on this now and I have no idea why I just wouldn’t tell her — I talk to her openly about everything now, and not just sex stuff, and it seems foreign to me that there was once a time — years and years — when I didn’t do this.

But things were different then. We were still in our first marriage.

We decided to give non-monogamy a chance. It was either that or separate — which would have been a dumb thing for two people who really liked each other and enjoy their time together to do. While we didn’t frame it like this at the time, what we needed to do was to start a second marriage … with each other.

Part of the problem with transitioning from a relationship with the expectation of monogamy to a more open, swinger style relationship is that we try to remold the parameters of the union that we’ve already created rather than burning it down and start building it again from the ground up. A non-monogamous partnership can not exist within the parameters of monogamy — this isn’t a matter of a simple substitution. No, everything must change or else the baggage of the previous relationship — the unrequited expectations, the lying, the feeling of being undervalued — will sink the ship. You need to mourn the previous relationship, get over it, and create something else that’s entirely new — new expectations, new outlooks, new ways of communicating.

We did not do this perfectly … it actually took us years to get over our first marriage. But when we did something new and beautiful opened up before us: imagine being in a relationship where you can tell your partner anything, where you can express your innermost desires, where you can be fully honest without fear of repercussion.

This is how monogamy is supposed to be, but isn’t.

Our non-monogamous life did not start out equitably. We were living abroad, had two young kids, and no babysitter, so going out to the clubs together at night was not an option. My wife was also deep in her AMI training in Prague and lacked much free time — the time she had she wanted to spend with our kids rather than going out to get fucked. So we entered into this interim period where I would go out and hook up with other people at clubs, parties, or privately and I would come home and tell her all about it. At that time this was a huge step forward — I had to rebuild trust and doing things that gave me the opportunity to be honest proved to be an effective way to do this.

Then we moved to New York City … and a few months later the Sars-Cov-2 pandemic hit … and we were locked down. It was a time where people were afraid to stand too close to each other in the streets, let alone meet up with strangers for an anonymous fuck. So our non-monogamous practice was put on hold.

But eventually some clubs began reopening and I began frequenting them. There were more the underground, edgy style of club — I assume many of them were either illegal or sat on the fringe of such. They were seedy; they were exciting … like going into deranged fictional lands that you only imagine in noir novels. But not really places my wife would want to go.

So we continued like that … But there was a limit as to how long that could go on for. There needs to be some degree of equitableness in an ENM partnership — if only one party is engaging the entire apparatus gets knocked out of balance. There are some people (mostly men) who enjoy that imbalance … but that’s something different than what we were doing.

So I encouraged her, I’d invite her to come each time I went out to a club or met up with a couple, but I didn’t push it. There were a few forces that seemed to be holding her back … common insecurity, the fact that she hadn’t dated in over a decade, as well as a feeling that if she did start hooking up with other people it would somehow vindicate my transgressions … bring her down to my level, so to speak.

Then we had this exchange:

“You just want me to fuck other people so you can have sex with other women.”

“But I’m already having sex with other women.”

There was nothing else to say.

At that time she didn’t really get my stag, cuckoldish proclivity. She didn’t get how arousing I found the thought of her taking another man’s cock was. She seemed to think I was bullshitting; scheming to find a way to put myself on even footing with her in our extramarital endeavors — just looking for a way to make it more okay for me to fuck other women.

She really, really didn’t get it.

“I want you to take some photos of me for my dating profile,” she said from the foot of our bed.

I was just startled out of a deep sleep by her sitting there just looking at me drinking her coffee. I have no idea how long she was sitting there, if she got the idea on a whim, or if she planned it out. All I could do was say okay … and smile. I was surprised. I felt excited. I felt that little tinge of insecurity and worry that makes such prospects so absolutely stimulating.

When she got home from work I took some photos of her and helped her pick out others. She asked what dating apps to use besides Tinder. I suggested Feeld. I watched as she assembled her profiles … She put them out there, closed the apps, and we went on to have an ordinary night.

Then the next day she opened them … and boom, found that she had hundreds of likes and dozens of messages. After a couple of days she asked me to guess how many swipe rights she had on Tinder — it was over a thousand — and she collected about as many on Feeld as well. The messages kept streaming in — random dudes telling her how beautiful she is. Granted, this is the experience of just about any women on those apps … but something about the deluge of attention seemed to make her feel good. She’d tell me how many new likes she got and ask me how many I got … haha, yeah.

I am going to say her that my wife is legitimately sexy. She is thin, she is curvy, she is petite with big Hasidic eyes and a sweet smile. She also knows how to emphasize her natural beauty … and just has this overtly sexual air about her. She likes to fuck, and throughout out marriage we have had sex just about every single day (literally).

But my wife has the tendency of undervaluing herself, and she seemed to think that she would go unnoticed on the apps or only the ugly dudes would be interested. She did not anticipate the fact that legions of attractive men wanted to take her out … and get her naked. I could see her confidence perk up a little … and two days later she was going out on a date with some hot guy who lived a couple of streets over.

While I’ve harbored fantasies of my wife fucking other men for many years it was still startling to me that it was actually going to happen. How I would take it I really didn’t know — was I really into it? Did I really want another cock inside her — the first one since we got together? Did I really not want to be her only one?

I have to admit that these were thoughts that I had but they were quickly overpowered by my excitement. She was going to meet someone she didn’t know, remove her clothes, and let him fuck her … The thought of that made me convulse in a rather pleasing way. It made me feel sexually aroused in way that I’ve never experienced before … and I found myself going through her lingerie drawer picking out what I wanted her to wear.

She was now standing at the door next to me, looking deep into my eyes. She was fully beautified — eye liner, lipstick, her hair was straightened, tight black jeans, a revealing top, and the lingerie that I picked out underneath. She hesitated before walking out, giving me one last chance to call it off. “You can still say no if you want to,” she said.

“I love you,” I said. “Have fun.”

With that she went out the door and down the stairs. I watched her go, mesmerized by how beautiful she looked … walking away from me.

We installed this family tracking app that allows us to know where we are before she went on the date. It was a safety measure … but also an erotic one as well. I could watch her meet him at the bar, leave the bar, go back to his building, go into his apartment, go into his bedroom. I couldn’t take my eyes off it the entire night, imagining what she was doing.

It really didn’t take her long. They met at a bar around the corner and only stayed for around 15 minutes before leaving for his place.

For the next two hours I kept imagining what was going on. I enjoyed the way that felt. I knew she was having sex with him and I just laid in bed thinking about it.

I then saw her little blue dot move on the app and begin moving up the street. She was coming home.

She walked through the door and into our bedroom. I was waiting for her. I grabbed her and we began kissing. I asked if they fucked; she said they did. I tore off her clothes and threw her onto the bed. I licked her freshly fucked little pussy and then put my cock inside her. I slowly fucked her as she told me everything that happened in graphic detail. She orgasmed for the third time that night. I came inside her, flipped her over, and began fucking her again, climaxing a second time without the need for a refractory period.

Yes, I liked it.

I really fucking liked it.

After that night something changed within me. I began feeling different towards my wife. I was suddenly consumed by this warmness towards her. I wanted to please her. I listened to her more deeply. I began doing whatever I could to make sure she was always comfortable. I respected her more.

This wasn’t a tit-for-tat, you did this for me so now I’m going to treat you better kind of thing. It was just a flip of a cerebral switch that made be feel and act differently. Now, I’ve always treated her rather well, but I suddenly became obsessed with her well-being. I started treating her everyday like someone who’s on a first date — I felt as if I was competing for her 24/7 and felt a constant drive to put forward my best self. I realized that she tends to get ornery when doing housework so I began doing all of it; I began diverting more money towards her and the family and away from my business; I began feeling the urge to spoil her with a constant stream of small gifts and surprise her with Uber Eats deliveries for lunch at least once a week — thoughtful things that I simply never really thought of doing before.

A switch was again flipped … only this time it was my wife who was igniting my synapses … like what used to happen when we first got together. I thought that this heightened degree of infatuation with my wife would eventually wear off, but years later it hasn’t. Imagine that feeling that you get when you first get with someone. I feel like that towards my wife everyday.

This new emotional and psychological attraction was something that I did not expect from the swinger life. I thought that we’d start having sex with other people